The life and death of a good girl..

I was talking with someone the other day... lamenting that I didn't have a dramatic conversion.  After all, I was  a "good girl".  I wasn't a wild child.  I wasn't a rebel (at least, not outwardly).  I wasn't a rule breaker.  At least, not too much.

I was brought up to believe in God.  After all, it was the right thing to do.

Until one day.

That day. I read the simplistic yet beautiful words in a Billy Graham book.  All of it I agreed with.  All of it made sense.  The views in the book were views I already held.  Then, I got to the page with the prayer.

Words so unfamiliar to me.  Words so distant and strange.  I had never talked to God about my faith in Him.  I had never told God that I believed in Him and His son. In fact, I had never talked to God at all before that day. I had never attended church either, for that matter.  That's when I realized it.   I realized  that I didn't have a relationship with God.  But I wanted one. 

I read the words on the page again while at the same time scanning my memory for some moment when I had accepted Christ to be my Lord and Savior.  Nope.  I got nothin'.

In that moment, with the decision to talk to God about this... my life changed.  Forever.

I don't have a Saul to Paul, on-the-road conversion story.  I don't have a "saved from a life of drugs" testimony.  And, in my early years at the first church I attended, I always felt less because of this.  I always felt ineffective.  I even had a Sunday School teach question my salvation and reject my experience because I couldn't remember the exact date and because she believed no one could come to Christ through a book (shows how small her God was).  Testimonies were supposed to be strong.  Drastic.  Dare I say, dramatic??  At least, in the church I started to attend after that day with Billy Graham, a book and a prayer.  

I've long since left that church in an attempt to free myself from man-made laws.  14 years ago, to be exact.

Apparently, some things have remained, though.

 In the midst of this conversation a few weeks back, I heard it.  I heard Him.

"That's a lie."

"That is pride."

"That is to your glory.  Not Mine." 

OUCH.

I had to switch topics in the conversation because the supernatural one going on in my head was too loud.

If you've ever had an "A-Ha!" moment or, in my case, a "DUH!" moment, then, my friend, you'd know exactly how I felt a weeks ago.

"I was a good girl."

"I didn't do anything wrong, really, before I accepted Christ."

Um... Hello?  Is anyone in there, Sheri?

What a bunch of lies I had believed!  I had walked on this earth harboring these thoughts... along with a dose  of guilt for not having a "gritty" enough testimony.  Really?

The truth penetrated my heart like the sharpest of swords.  

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23

Last time I looked, all means ALL.  Duh.

Despite reading this and other verses on THAT day with the book and prayer.. as well as all the days that have followed on this faith journey, my head knew this truth but my heart didn't.

Somewhere in my head, man's truth became bigger, false-truth, over God's truth.  

Because the truth is...

The truth is... 

No matter how "good" of a girl I classified myself or the world classified me, I was still (and still am) a sinner in need of a Savior.  That's Truth.

No matter how much I compared my testimony to others - each time not measuring up in drama or drastic change - I was just as broken.

Just as deserving of punishment.

Just as UN-deserving of grace and mercy....

as the drug addict.  the prostitute. the murderer.  the thief.  the liar.  the adulterer.  the abuser. 

This "good girl" was equal to those I had  unwittingly classified as in more need of grace than me.  I knew this wasn't true logically but my real beliefs - the one that could lament not having a dramatic conversion - they revealed what I was thinking somewhere in this brain of mine. 

You see, by saying "I was a good girl", I implied that I didn't need that much saving.  I didn't need that much grace.  At least, not as much grace as others.  

In believing that I was a good girl, I was saying, somewhere in my head and heart, that I. was. good. enough.  I was good enough for God's grace.  I had earned it.  

All pride.  

Shameful pride is all that was. I see that now. 

 Unwittingly, I was clinging to a little bit of the glory that was rightly meant for God.  I say unwittingly because had you asked me I would have said I wasn't good enough for God's grace.  I would have said I cannot earn my salvation.  My brain lived with these two opposing beliefs.

 The funny thing is I'm quite certain I'm not the only one that holds these beliefs.  In fact, I see this idea - 

the idea that "at least I was never a _________ (fill in the blank)" ...

a lot amongst believers.  It is the elephant in the room.  No one calls it out but it's there.  It's spoken in round about ways.  In knowing eyes and coded words.  

"At least, I'm not...".  

 "I'm a good person.."  

"I've got my life together"

"I follow the rules"

"I contribute _____ (time, money, insert your word here)"

All of this screams out... I'm good enough.  I am presentable enough to enter God's kingdom.  I am good.

The truth is I never was a "good enough" girl for God's amazing grace.  You and I, friend, we're not good enough. 

 For if we were, there'd be no need for Jesus.  

We can never be good enough... or follow the rules enough.. or have our life together, enough... to be worthy of entering into God's presence, let alone a relationship.   I cannot earn my way to heaven.

No amount of good behavior, good deeds, or thoughts can move me one step closer to earning a relationship with Christ.

And.. amen to that.

Because..

Isn't that exhausting??  

Trying to earn someone's approval?  

Trying to earn someone's friendship??  

Trying to be good enough??

It's down-right, bone-aching exhausting.  And it's wrapped in failure.  Every. Time. 

And Praise Him for His simple, releasing way of coming to Him.  

He says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" - Matthew 11:28

The truth is God isn't a God of complication.  He is a God of clarity and simplicity.  

He is a God of Grace. And freely gives that Grace when we are so, so undeserving of it. 

Let's put the "good girl" myth to death.  I know I have in my own life since my epiphany several weeks ago.  I am very aware of my daily failures... and I know I was never a "good girl" to earn God's grace by my own efforts.  It is most definitely a gift - freely given to all who seek it.

My One Little Word for 2013

Even though the word was upon my lips and tugging at my heart for weeks, I resisted.  It seemed too glib; too overused.  Yet, it stayed, pressing into my brain as the days drew closer to January 1.   This is meant to be my theme for 2013.  Within this word contains untold lessons that God is wanting to teach me.  I am ready, Lord.

Simplify..

That is my one little word for 2013. I breathe lighter when I whisper it.  That is how I know it is right.  It resonates within and I know simplifying, as simple as it sounds, isn't so much for me.

The other word that came to me was Be.  However, for me, for  this year, Be, is encompassed in Simplify.

I'm being called to simplify my life. All of it. All.

My schedule.

My cabinets and drawers.

My school supplies.

My activities and commitments.

My relationships.

My past.

My future.

My present.

I am being called to Be present, in the moment of motherhood; in my responsibilities at home and with my family. I can only Be present when life has simplified.  When technology and emails, demands and commitments have all been examined and  put in their proper context;  When my drawers and closets and garage no longer scream at me every time I open them;  When I no longer have to clammer over the piles of unresolved junk in my physical, emotional and spiritual life.  When these areas are approached with simplicity, I can Be with Him.

Simplify.

Yes.

Be.

Most Definitely!

What is your one little word for 2013?

On being still and knowing He is God...

My Pastor put put a challenge to our church last week to take 5 minutes a day to be still before God and just focus and meditate on Him.  This isn't the first time I've tried this but it had been awhile so I was looking forward to some quiet, concentrated focus on Him.

Here's what I've learned so far:

1) 5 minutes is MUCH longer than it sounds.

2) Despite my overall disposition of being a somewhat focused person,  I am amazed at how distracted I really can be.  For it is the forced quiet moments that reveal how much my mind shifts focus on the multitude of activity that typically surrounds me.

3) I do not believe it is accidental or just for poetic purposes that God states, "Be still and know that I am God."

4) Undivided attention is not only a discipline but a lost one in our fast-paced society.

5) In those moments when my mind quiets and my focus is on Him, I am in awe of what He has done for me.

6) In those same moments, I recognize just how unworthy I am of any kind of relationship with Him.  My pride, my selfishness, My ugliness, my imperfection, my sin. All of it makes me so unclean.

7) Despite my sin and ugliness, there is hope.  By grace, I have been given a gift of a relationship with Him, even though I don't deserve it.

8) God's ways are so, so very different from my own... and I'm so happy about that!  It's hard not to exercise my ideas and my will but when I lay those before Him, He has a far better plan than I could have come up with.

9) To be still is counterintuitive to what the world's mantra is... "Go! Go! Go!". To step off the wheel and out of the rat race is not what the world wants.  To say no to the next activity -no matter how great and worthy it is- goes against our culture's belief. We fill our "free time" with all that we can.  Why?

10) I have discovered I have a long way to go in developing this spiritual discipline of being still and meditating on Him.  Yet, despite my amateur beginnings, I am grateful for these first wobbly steps in re-acquainting myself with this practice.

 I want to make this a lifestyle that leaves enough space for intentional stillness to remember that He is God, instead of the quick whispers of "He is in control" that I tell myself as I rush from commitment to another commitment. This isn't an easy discipline - this being still before the Creator of all. It's hard. But anything worth doing usually is.

Won't you join me in setting aside 5 minutes a day to clear your mind of all that consumes it and turn your eyes to the One who can calm any storm and bring peace to any overscheduled and busy day??

Let me know how it goes!

Reputation

All of my life I was taught that all a man had in this world was his reputation, so I needed to guard and protect mine.  In times of attack, it was my job to defend it and make known the truth in a situation.  My reputation, so I was told, was the only thing I really "owned" in this world.

As it turns out, though, that's not really true.  A reputation is something others create FOR you; not something you create for yourself, necessarily.  Sometimes our actions contribute to a reputation but, I would argue, most of the time, our reputation is created by the talk of others.  Whether the words spoken are true or not.

What I've learned is that people are going to talk.  In spite of what I do or my intentions. There is not one thing I can do about that.  There's not a single action I can take to prevent, convince or otherwise, stop, someone from thinking poorly or speaking poorly about me (of course, there is one thing - NOT give them a reason to do so).  If my conduct has been appropriate and someone is still wanting to openly discuss me in a negative light to others... there isn't one darn-tootin' thing I can do about that.  Sure, my reputation may be tainted by this; yep, others may thing less of me, however, that is out of my hands.  I can't control what other says or think.  More importantly, my reputation isn't worth defending.

Over the past two years, God has opened my eyes to this  false belief that I held as truth for so long.  He has shown me time and again that it is not MY reputation that I am called to defend; it is HIS.  I have had my share of stings come from the false talk and accusations of others - drawing my reputation in a particular situation into question.  It would hurt.  It would upset me.  It would make my blood boil, at times.  And if I'm honest... I still have those reactions today, although, they are short-lived and given over to prayer more readily than in years past.  Time and again, God keeps telling me my reputation is not worth defending.  To take up offense on behalf of myself is actually quite conceded.  Unless the reputation of Jesus is at stake, my reputation is not enough to warrant defense.  It is not enough to climb into the ring with someone who is slinging mud and try to convince them that I am more than what they say I am.

And there is the truth...  WHY?  Why do I feel the need to try to convince someone that I am different than what they claim??  I think in part because I was programmed to "defend my reputation" but I also think it stems from the need to please and be accepted.  God has been working on this area of my life too.  A LOT.

In times of conflict, in the past, I've had this impulsive need to correct the untruth about me but now, I hand it over to God. And you know what??  He takes care of it... EVERY. TIME.  HE defends and protects me.  NOT me.  He reveals the truth about my character and heart in HIS timing, NOT mine.  He comforts and protects me from the slings and arrows of others' words.  I don't try to do this myself anymore. As unnatural as it feels, I'm learning to run to the Lord in times like these and let Him dry my tears and extend forgiveness, even if ever so quietly in my heart, more easily. Without Him, I am an emotional wreak, seeking to lift up my reputation to the point of an idol. With Him, I submit to His will and His way which is far different than mine.

In the end, it is not our reputation that we "own" but it is our reputation that will "own" us if we believe it is our job to defend it.  In the end, I stand behind my God, while slings and arrows that this world throws, fly all around me.  Instead of picking up my bow and arrow, I step into the shadow of  the One who promises protection and who took all the pain and suffering that I should have bore as His own.  He stood in on my behalf once and He continues to do so all the days of my life.

Overlooking offenses...

This concept and I.  We keep crossing paths.  I feel like in some ways it could well become the theme of my life over the past two years.   And please...  Don't read that as "I've got it all together and have this idea of overlooking offenses down pat."  Hardly.

Yet, in these past two years, God has chosen, again and again, to put this concept in front of me. Clearly, this is a concept I need to learn.  It's not something that comes naturally, in all honesty, to humans, though.  We live in a society that encourages and puffs up the idea that we should be offended at EVERYTHING.  And if we don't have a current offense to brew over, we should take up our friend's offense.  You know, become outraged on THEIR behalf.  Our world is quick to offend and slow to forgive.  

That is not how I want to be.

That is not what I was called to be.

God's plan for us believers is to live together in unity; sharing each other's burdens as well as joys; learning from one another; being vulnerable and transparent and being willing to be held accountable to each other and with each other; and overlooking offenses.

After having tasted the sweet, healing of forgiveness how can we not extend that very same forgiveness to others?  God didn't withhold Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for only those who ALREADY had their act together.  No! "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us".    And praise God for that, right?  Yet, we tend to look at each other and demand a certain level of behavior; a 'jump-through-my-hoops' kind of expectation before we are willing to extend forgiveness. Yet, that's not forgiveness.

 God wants us to give  TRUE forgiveness.  The kind that can joyfully, humbly pray for the person who hurt you.  The kind that can mourn when the offender mourns and be joyful when they are.  The kind that keeps no record of wrongs.  THAT kind of forgiveness.

For us humans, overlooking an offense, extending forgiveness... the kind that God speaks of and shows time and again to us... That is so, so foreign to us.  It's usually the LAST thing we want to do.  It's much easier for us to dip our toes (sometimes our whole body) into the pools of sin by gossiping; harboring resentment and anger; allowing a root of bitterness grow in our heart; wishing ill-will to our offender.  And this breaks my heart.  Why, oh why do we default to our sinful natures when we have been made new in Him??

Thank God, though, He forgives us, anyway.

Offenses come in all shapes and sizes.. and with all sorts of intents.  Some offenses are unintentional and some carry a malicious overtone that can't be ignored.  So often, though, I see fellow believers in Christ taking up offense over things that, in the end, really don't matter.  They are easily overlooked.  She didn't say 'hi' to me today; His tone was down and negative when he should have been friendly; She gave me an instruction I didn't like; He spoke directly and bluntly to me; She took the last book that I had wanted... 

Silly.  

Trivial.

Unnecessary, in the end.

God has called us to seek to understand first and be slow to anger.  Through Christ's sacrifice, we are called to forgive as He forgave us.... and we are to do it over.. and over... and over... again.  70x7.

Overlooking an offense, I'm convinced, cannot be done in MY own power.  It must be through the Holy Spirit working in my life.  It is when I obey the commands of scripture and the tugging in my heart, then I let God work through me as well as let Him mold me.  He is the potter, I am the clay.  I must remember this.

For it is not in my own power that I can overlook an offense and rid my heart of the unfairness of a situation and the hurt; it is only through Him that He can accomplish that through me.  

Over the past two years, and specifically the past few weeks, it is when I have let go and let God work, that I am freed from the bondage of being offended.  It is then that I can let Him purge my heart of the hurt and frustration of a situation and let Him mold me into the person He wants me to be.  

When I submit to Him, I become so free and so joyful, even in the midst of conflict, because only then can He be glorified in my life and through any situation.

I would encourage you.. if you have been offended (I'm not talking physical, sexual or verbal abuse), seek God's help to overlook it.  Seek His wisdom.  Extend true forgiveness and let God do some amazing work in your life.

Here's a great post about overlooking an offense that I read this week -

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/trevinwax/2012/10/02/the-power-of-overlooking-an-offense/

Partial obedience is not obedience...

"But Samuel replied: 'Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord?  To obey is better than sacrifice and to heed is better than the fat of rams.  For rebellion is like the sin of divination and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.  Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, the Lord has rejected you as king." - 1 Samuel 15:22


And with those words, Saul's reign over Israel was over. He was no longer king. 


Why?


Because partial obedience is not obedience.  Saul was given clear instructions from the Lord but CHOSE to change them up a bit; CHOSE to do things a little differently.  His choices showed arrogance by thinking he knew better than God on how the plan should be carried out.  Oh, he followed MOST of the instructions, perhaps 80-90% of the instructions were carried out; he only modified them in two areas.  Subtle. Seemingly insignificant tweaks.  Saul later would justify these tweaks by saying he only did them to honor God.  Hmm....


Yet, the Lord did not count that as obeying His word.  And neither should we.


How many times have I counted following most of God's instructions as complete obedience?


How many times have I tweaked God's word to appease myself, yet still count it as obedience?


How many times have I justified sidestepping, ever so subtly, a command of the Lord to continue down the path that I have chosen, yet still telling myself that I'm honoring God?  


This isn't just about the specific, life-calling commands, either.  This about all of God's word, in its entirety.  You know, those commands for our daily living that we are all called to - the 70x7 rule; 'don't gossip' rule (that is repeated over and over); the command to use my time wisely; to be self-disciplined; do not complain or argue; be slow to anger... the list could go on and on.


The point through Saul's story is that God doesn't want our sacrifices and offerings AS MUCH AS He wants our obedience. No!  He wants our obedience above all else! Saul is a case study in what percentage God's wants our obedience as well.  50% obedient?  How about 80%?  Or 98% but I'm just gonna change this one, little, itty-bitty detail over here???  Is that accepting and pleasing to God?  Nope.  He wants 100%.  


He demands 100% from us. From me.  Like Saul, when we give 80-90%, we are still keeping us on the throne of our heart and trying to share the King's chair.  We are still staking claim to being in control - even at 5%.  That 5% (or whatever percentage is held back to control) is rebellion and arrogance.  Not my words.  God's word. 


When I chose to modify, tweak or otherwise hold back even an ever so small portion of my heart and, thus, my obedience, I have made myself an idol and pitted myself against God in competing for who gets to be in control.I must submit to the Lord completely and in full compliance; not thinking I have the authority to tweak His instruction or that I have a better way of doing things.  Now, THAT is arrogant!  May I not repeat Saul's mistake of holding back a portion of my obedience and may my heart be soft and open to submitting to God's instructions for me. 


Father God, forgive me for not always giving you 100% obedience.  Help me to  keep my heart submissive to Your instructions.  Help me to walk your path and not my own, or even a path someone else wants me to walk.  Let me not get in the way of Your work in me, through me and through others.  Amen.




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I left church crying today..

As I closed the door to the car, I hurriedly dug through my purse for kleenex.  I couldn't look at any of my family at all.  I was barely hanging on.  As I got the kleenex to my eyes, the tears began to flow.  Then, I went into a sob.  One like I've never really done before.  My family was shaken.  "What happened?".  "Are you ok, Mom?". The questions kept coming.   I couldn't even form a word to answer.  The sobs just kept coming.

This isn't the first time I've left church crying... and it was never for a good reason. It IS the first time I had left Lifepointe Community Church, our home church,  sobbing, so Chris and the boys seemed unnerved. 

I couldn't help it, though.  I was crying tears of pure joy. 

Jake's second hour Sunday school teacher stopped me to talk about the upcoming "move up" Sunday that will take place in a few weeks.  She shared with me her love for Jake and you could just see her light up when speaking about him.  For the first time in Jake's life, an authority figure (other than his mom,dad and Nana) loved him completely - his ADHD, his boisterous behavior, and his heart.  Through it all, she had seen his tender and loving heart.  I loved that she was firm with him when needed (and heaven knows, he needs it) but she saw Jake, for Jake.  Not as a rambunctious kid who distracted others or one that was a "hand full".  She saw who he really was - beyond the quirks, flaws and spunk that Jake displays (ha, don't we all, though?).  And she LOVES him and showed that.  Even her discipline was in a such a way that never spoke negatively into Jake's heart and spirit.  She's done this consistently through the entire time of his 4th grade class.  And I have loved her for it. 

But today... today, standing outside of church, hearing her words and watching her eyes and face as she spoke highly of Jake... JUST. OVERWHELMED. ME. I was left speechless that this person would pour acceptance, love and encouragement into my boy - in a way no one else had ever taken the time to do with Jake.   I was trying hard not to cry in front of her.. and the others walking by and saying "hi" to me. I'm not one who likes to publicly cry (who does, really?!).   I made it to the car and then lost it.  

Please don't think my Jake is a "bad" kid.  He's not.  He is adorable but what teachers have typically seen is...  he struggles to sit still.  He gets carried away easily. He struggles to focus.  He likes attention. He has a hard time listening and following instructions.  He loves to make people laugh.  He enjoys being with people. He values friendship intensely... often times at the cost of all else around him.  As harmless as these attributes seem to be, though, they do not make him a good candidate for sitting in a desk hours on end each day, which is a BIG reason why we pulled him from school and homeschooled him when we pulled our eldest.  My heart couldn't handle the labels being placed on him at school  when I knew his heart.  

And now.  Someone else knew it too. 

To see God's love so abundantly poured over my son's head - when often what's been poured has been  negative words - was an amazing gift to me.  And  an even more amazing gift to JAKE.  His response, in return,  to this teacher has been so positive, so amazing.  It has been a blessing beyond measure. 

I am forever grateful for this lovely teacher that slipped on the skin of Jesus and showed my son His love, His grace and saw Jake through God's eyes.  I am simply overwhelmed that she saw what we have known - he's smart, kind-hearted, a leader, generous, tender, and positive and joy-filled - and she has spoken into his life the truth of these traits existing in him.  He has had another encourage him in God's word and raise the bar in his life (not just good 'ol mom and dad) and Jake has blossomed under this outpouring of love on him, from once a stranger who has now become a life-long friend, supporter and advocate of Jake.  

Tears roll down my face as I type this because this is God's love in action, people.  That we speak His truth, grace and love into another's life and lift them up to experience the fullness of God's acceptance of coming to Him as we are. Broken. Flawed. Imperfect... yet, through Jesus' sacrifice, still worthy to stand before Him. And immensely loved.  Jake doesn't have to behave first before coming to God.  Jake doesn't have to get his ADHD, his focus, or him impulsiveness under control before being in His presence.  Jake doesn't have to approach the throne of God in perfect condition.  Amen that someone else is singing this truth over my son's life.  May I be the same to someone else's child  as well as to peers.  

Endings...

Coming to the end of something - whatever that something might be - brings a mixture of emotions.  Depending, of course, on what that something is, you may feel more sadness or excitement that the end is near. Endings are, well, so... final.  And that can be scary if fear gets a foothold and strike dread, frustration or ?? (insert emotion here), again, depending on WHAT exactly is ending.

I am coming to the end of a journey that began with a big vision and a hope.  A hope for community among homeschoolers and friendships to grow and bond.  God laid on my heart to begin a homeschool co-op in my neighborhood 3 years ago and it took close to a year for it to come to fruition.  My amazing husband not only supported it but sacrificed money, time and a half day of work each week for a year to not only help it get off the ground but teach and help, lead and direct.  I am grateful for the support as well as the wisdom and no -nonsense approach he brings to everything.  He takes things that can become so complicated and simplifies it. I love him to death and am grateful for his help.

This journey has been marked with many emotions for us as a family. It hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies - this journey.  Nor has it been completely hurtful and frustrating.  As with many events in life, it has been a combo of it all. Still, the personal toll on me and my family wasn't always easy.  Juggling the many components of running weekly classes and a group of as many as 32 families wasn't always easy but felt worth it.  The missed  personal school days to prep for co-op, the late nights doing paperwork or filling in absences to cover all classes, the emails (man, the amount of email),  being the first to arrive an hour before the group and the last to leave to lock up, even the hurtful words that came from others when boundaries had to be enforced... we always felt was worth it when we'd see the joy on the kids' faces and the friendships being formed.  God didn't call me out when the going got tough... even though I tried to call myself out. Several times.  In fact, he kept giving me glimpses of encouragement instead.

Yet, here we are. God is closing the door for us.  He has affirmed this decision over and over but even more so than affirming, he planted this decision and sent many, many signs in the past two months that sings to our heart that it is time. So,  I hang up my Co-op director hat and shut it all down.  It is time. And I am grateful for all of it.  Grateful for the chance to serve.  Grateful for the opportunity for a vision to come to life.  Grateful for the lasting friendships I've made from this journey. I am even grateful to see this dream come full circle and end in His time and grace.  I am grateful for it all - the good and the bad of this experience.

   As we close down the group and God closes the door on this chapter in our life, I can't help but be excited.  When the "sweet spot" of being in God's will hits, the feeling of release is a rolled up ball of peace and joy... and rest.  I can rest safely in His arms knowing that He has the next chapter of my life already laid out.  I can rest knowing He opens a door and closes it.  I can rest knowing He is in control.

And has been all along.

I look forward to the future as God lays on my heart the next chapter.  I am excited about what has been stirred in my heart for months and months... and am so grateful He continues to stoke the vision of intimate fellowship and community.  Where once I thought the vision was gone, He still provides.  I am grateful...

Update on my "6"

So, my purging has fallen off the track a bit.  But only a little bit.  Even though I haven't physically purged a single thing in 3 weeks, I have been mentally purging like crazy!  I have a plan in place to pick up where I left off with the "stuff" part of "6".   If you don't know what my "6" is read here, here, here and here.  I have a couple of Easter posts that came after conviction of reading the book, "7" also.

Here's my update for accountability purposes:
* STUFF - anyone who has seen my garage knows we own too much ever-lovin' stuff!  Sheesh! It drives me batty!  I've made a plan and have begun even more purging with little piles here and there.  Summer will be my friend this year, I promise!  I am tired of being a slave to STUFF and I want it gone!

*MEDIA - we've done well here.  Still no t.v. in our house.  If we want to watch a movie or something educational, all we have are the movies we own and Netflix.  We upgraded our DVD portion to two movies out instead of one because, whether for school or a family night, we have watched more movies, both in DVD form and streaming.  Now, you might think that is counterproductive.  Nope. Let me explain.  Our t.v. no longer is ON just to be on.  It is on when we choose it to be.  We now have multiple game nights per week as a family (which ROCK, by the way) and we are much more aware of our time because the T.V. isn't consuming it.  Nor are video games or the computer.  Those, too, have their appointed times.

FOOD - well, ahem, let's just say this is a work in progress here. And I'm working on it.

APPROVAL - hmm, this is a Pandora's box for me.  A two steps forward, one step back kind of deal but I'm going to grab progress where I can.  Sweet release has come in so many forms of this vile demon.  Approval of others is just so unhealthy and I am learning, step by step, to let go and it feels GREAT!  With the progress that God has given in this area, I feel SO FREE!

FINANCES - April was HARD!  With an ER visit, a surgery to remove what might have been cancer in our dog, new co-pays (eh-hem, $200 to get new epi-pens for Josh - a MUST medicine), we have been stretched financially.  Yet, God continues to provide and remain faithful.  Do months like these make skimping on tithe a temptation??  You bet'cha!  Yet, to put our faith where our mouth is (or money, really), Chris and I know we must honor God with our tithe.  We will begin Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University at the end of this month at our church and we can't wait! This is another step at purging our finances and align them with God's word.

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS/STRESS - This is another challenge area for me but despite the incredibly one-hit-after-another month, negative thoughts and stress have been kept away or nipped in the bud by the promise of God's words through scripture memory.   God's word soothes and comforts in times of distress and recalling sweet words in times of worry or frustration prevents my mind from slipping into a negative stew.

I'm convinced that weeding out our media so heavily has GREATLY decreased negative thoughts as well.

My 6, inspired by "7" is still chugging along and I'm excited to switch gears to lite summer school and be able to purge - mentally, spiritually and physically in the next few weeks.

What areas of your life need purging of those things that do not align themselves with God's word, cause turmoil in your life or prevent you from being all that God intended?

A bunny, a basket, and an overwhelming conviction...

A couple of weeks ago, Chris and I sat the boys down one family night and told them the truth about Santa. Our oldest, who just turned 13, was already suspicious of this jolly 'ol man but Chris and I were convincing and held out to the very end that he was real, indeed. So, he was unsure based on conflicting murmurings from his friends and his parents. Our youngest, who just turned 10, believed wholeheartedly in St. Nick. Now, keep in mind, I purposely never had any decor of Santa in our home. Ever. Santa never gave big presents - only stocking presents that helped the boys' relationship with God such as devotionals, fiction books, etc. To sum it up, Santa was heavily downplayed in our home. Yet, the boys still believed because we told them to.

With our decision to purge anything that detracts from the truth, our relationship with Christ, AND/OR that takes our resources away from doing God's will (be it time, money, energy), we knew we had to come clean to our kids about some long held traditions. We were convicted to speak the truth in love. To proclaim which message - the one of the world or the one of God's word - was truth. Within that truth should be the celebration.

So, we told them the truth about Santa, with the caveat not to tell other kids because other families still choose to believe in Santa. The Easter bunny wasn't a big deal because we told them from the very beginning that he wasn't real. The baskets and toys they received came from us and they knew that.

Here's the thing we couldn't wrap our head around, once the light came on and Chris and I were convicted about this practice. How can we, in good conscience as Christians and as parents, wrap the truth of Jesus' amazing birth and even more amazing, life-giving death and resurrection, with a bunch of...meaningless stuff?? Isn't the message of his death and resurrection and the meaning and holy joy that it brings... enough?? Must that GREAT NEWS be dressed up to make more appealing? No, He is enough.

I don't want my boys to wake up on Easter Sunday excited about a basket, a bunny and some cheap toys that will be tossed to the corner in a few days! NO! I want them to wake up excited about the truth! That because of His sacrifice, we have assurance of life everlasting with God, if we believe and accept it! There is excitement in His resurrection - not just because of what we stand to gain from it (although that is a biggie) but because of the miracle that it is! How can we try to get them excited about this when we are mudding up the message with toys, sugar and another message entirely?? Chris and I realized that what we thought had been a harmless tradition actually had been drawing them away from the real meaning and importance of this holiday or holy day.

This tradition that we'd been celebrating detracts, and actually DISTRACTS, my kids from God's truth and that was a sad realization for us. Chris and I had to apologize to God and then we apologized to our kids. This was such a healing moment for our family!

With renewed spirits, fresh from eyes being opened wide, we put the money that would have gone to basket fillings to focus on the needs of another. To give the words that breathe life to someone that is dead. We made a pledge to Bibles Unbound. This organization delivers Bibles, even at the risk of their own life, to people desperate to receive a Bible of their own but live in countries hostile to the gospel.

So, no peeps. No jelly beans. No stuffed bunnies. No basket grass (to which Chris is thrilled; he's always hated that stuff). I'll admit, I've had a couple of moments in Target or another store where I impulsively, automatically went toward the Easter stuff. That visual reminder sets a momentary panic in me thinking I am not prepared! Then I remember... it's not about the bunny, it's about Jesus... and I can't buy that.



Disclaimer: I know this isn't a popular thought and I used to be the first to say "what's the harm?" but through our "7" purge and laying everything out before our eyes and before the Lord, we now know. I didn't blog about this as a way to boast or pat ourselves on the back. We grieved over the reality of the conflicting messages we were sending to our children. Nor did I write about this to stir division among believers. This is our own personal conviction, not an edict for others to follow. I do hope it gives you something to think about but I write, if for nothing else, to remind myself of this journey God is leading us on as a family; To have no sacred cows in our life and to have nothing that detracts or distracts from God. That is my reminder through these words.

Others...

When you think about how much others have influence on you - your thoughts, decisions, opinions - it begs the question if that is God's intended purpose for our lives. If I'm not careful, I find that I am thoughtlessly following along with the crowd that has chosen to speak the loudest,most convincingly or most urgently, without actually weighing the truth of the situation. It is only when I step back from the noise and emotions of others, that I can begin to hear His voice through it all.
It is so easy to get swept up in the thought of other-mindedness - living and deciding based on those around us, instead of the One who should guide our thoughts and decisions. I would describe other-mindedness as caring more about what others think of me, my children, my family, my decisions, my life - than what God thinks. When we find ourselves in other-mindedness mindset, we need to flee from it.

Time and again, I'm reminded of this lesson and He asks me "Who are you listening to?". When I respond to others' emotions, thoughts, even demands, particularly without His input, I step out of His will. He wants me to consult Him on everything. And last time I looked, everything means... everything. So before I respond to someone's demand, opinion or thoughts, I need to remember to first consult Him.

The demand of other-mindedness can be so loud and overwhelming and sometimes it can be subtle and sweet - both dangerous to our hearts if we aren't careful. For we are not called to agree with men nor are we called to follow the 'majority'. We aren't called to live by consensus. We are called, as believers in Christ, to live out our own call on our lives. While there are universal principles that all believers must follow, each life, each family, each ministry will look a bit differently because of the manner in which God is leading that person or persons.

If I'm not careful, other-mindedness (caring more about what others think of me, my children, my life, than God) can be a tyrant, ruling my thoughts and then trickling to my decisions in order to not stand out, not 'rock the boat', not hurt someone's feelings. Yet, when God leads, usually all of the above happens. Not out of purposely being rude or mean. Obedience to God calls us to forsake our family, our friends and our very life, if necessary.

The voice of others cannot be more important than the voice of God if you want to live a life of obedience. With each step in following Christ, the sound of others grows quiet and distant, as His voice grows stronger and louder. May I train my ears to only hear His voice amongst the crowd of others so quick to weigh in on me and my life.

...Of Media and Men

Prior to my latest read, "7; An experimental mutiny against excess", I was already on this path. I was already being stirred to consume less, consolidate more and to let go of some habits and traditions that have just always been.

At the beginning of the new year, I began a purge of all things negative in my life; those things that brought me down emotionally, in attitude, or in my behavior. I started with what I consumed in media. Chris had already begun doing this, months earlier, which caused us to watch less t.v. at night because he felt so many shows on now were negative fluff that promoted a critical, negative spirit. I have to say I agreed with him... I just happened to be "addicted" to some of that negative fluff.

Chris and I are huge media consumers. At least we were. Ever since our dating days. I mean, think about it. Chris works in media, his degree is in Communications - Mass Media. He works in a field that needs to stay some what on top of what is trending. He needs to have some knowledge base for cultural interests. At least, that is what we told ourselves, to justify the huge amount of media he and I would consume.

Slowly, over the past couple of years, we've not stayed on top of what is popular, some out of pure dis-interest and some because we were overloaded on the media we had "committed" to already.

While sick this past fall, I decided to see what all the hub-bub was about with Mad Men, a show we had never watched before but had heard many, many people discuss. I'm not sure how I got to the beginning of Season 3, Episode 1, when I look back on it. Seriously. I am sad to say I wasted that much time on this crap. Chris watched the first episode with me and was completely turned off, as was I but I kept watching hoping it would redeem itself. The characters would redeem themselves. They would turn from their ways of unhappiness, filandering. They did not.

I was so frustrated by Season 2, I honestly don't know why I kept watching. I couldn't understand why so many people had been raving about this show! Everyone on that show, not ONE. SINGLE. PERSON was happy with their life, job, wife. Not one. Chris and I counted. Plus, you throw in the affairs and the integrity of a louse and you have the main character. Never once exercising any redeeming qualities. Not once. He was a horrible husband, family man and in many ways business man. What's to love about that?!? A main character with no morals, no integrity. No attempts at even scrouching some up?!? Ugh. I kept hoping Don Draper would turn a corner. Would grow a heart for his wife. His kids. Any of them even, but alas, none did not (at least by episode 1 of Season 3). I was so irritated that I had been sucked in to something so unworthy of my time. I swore never again. That's when I began to look at all that I viewed with new eyes.

I had an ah-ha moment with God while having a conversation about media, in general, with Chris and from that point forward, I got rid of "my shows". I stopped DVR'ing them (is that a word?), I deleted the backlog that had collected on the DVR and I walked away, cold turkey. No more Parenthood. No more Grey's Anatomy (my guilty pleasure). No more Revenge (even more guilty pleasure). And you know what?? I didn't die! I actually no longer cared about what was happening on them.

Now, I do have to say that our t.v. was only on during the evening after the boys went to bed. Since September, we instituted a no t.v. unless its the weekend rule due to someone (no names to protect the accused) was rushing through school work (with it usually being wrong) to watch t.v. No Bueno. So, we moved all t.v. viewing, other than documentaries and school related watching, to the weekends. Occasionally, as a reward, we may watch a movie but that was the exception not the norm. We monitor the boys' intake of media but once 8:30 or 9:00 p.m. rolled around, Chris and I indulged.

At the beginning of February, we went a step further and cancelled our Satellite t.v. subscription, which includes local channels. So, we are left with Netflix streaming and DVD, Redbox and we are trying a subscription to Puritan Picks online Christian DVD rental site.

It's been over a month since we have had t.v. channels and while I do miss the documentaries we'd record for school and the occasional food network cooking show, I am loving the time that Chris and I have gained back.

Even though we read daily and love books, more reading is occurring in our home now. From us and the boys. More Bible reading is occurring too and that can never be a waste of time.

For us, ridding ourselves of that constant negative voice - that one that tells us we NEED more things, isn't measuring up to the likes of reality t.v. stars (don't get me started on reality t.v.), is so critical of every.stinkin'. thing. - it's lovely not to live with anymore.

But for me, the biggest difference is this: I am no longer WATCHING other people living their life (fake or 'real'). I'm no longer wasting my life investing emotionally into people that either are imaginary or I don't even know! I'm no longer sitting on the sidelines of my own life while another's plays out before me, while mine passes me by. THIS. IS. FREEDOM. Until I had broken that tie, I didn't realize how much t.v. (and other media I'll get to later) was affecting my personality and attitude! And while that totally seems illogical, it was truly bringing me down! I am now free from the trappings of someone else telling me how and what to purchase, how to behave, what to think about an issue, and being spoon-fed other worldviews that I have never agreed with, anyway. FREEDOM. I love it so far.

I suppose you could say this new purging is Lent on steroids but, no, I don't want these changes to last just for 40 days. I want them to be permanent changes. If the things I am giving up aren't good for me for 40 days, or distracts me from God's voice and calling on my life, then they certainly aren't good for me the remaining 325 days either.

I've only scratched the surface of my media purging... t.v. is the first of many.

What t.v. shows, when looked at with an objective eye (not emotional attachment), could you give up? Can you see any negative effects on your thought patterns coming from the shows you do consume??

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Phil. 4:8

Ok, God...

Ok, Ok... I'm listening.

Between the conviction that I keep receiving as I look at the state of affairs in our family and life, a recurring prompting keeps hammering at my brain. Too much stuff.

Then, I pick up this book at Sam's Club last week called "7; a Mutiny against excess". I'm about halfway through it and it has only added to the confirmation of what God had already been speaking to me about.

THEN, we arrive on Sunday to church, only for Pastor Chris to preach on the very thing I've been discussing with God. Consumerism and the Christian (well, finances was the sermon but the focus was putting up guardrails, boundaries if you will, on our consumerism and hoarding with our money. Consumerism and the Christian. That could be a book!?!).

We are called to live differently - MUCH differently - than the world, once we've said "Yes" to God. Yet, my consuming habits - be they food, shopping, possessions - don't look that much different from my neighbor (well, maybe it DOES with the neighbor across our court that has ZERO items in their garage. ZERO. I want to be like them.).

Without setting out to do so, I have fallen into the trap of consumerism and dare I say, hoarding. (Y'all who've seen my garage are nodding your heads, I'm sure). Yikes. This is not aligned with God's words. In fact, it blatantly contradicts God's words.

"If you have two coats, give one to the poor. If you have food, share with those who are hungry." - Luke 3: 11

"...You cannot love both God and money" - Matt. 6:24

I never considered myself as a lover of money. We've always had just enough to meet our needs and do some fun stuff each month (if we're careful in spending). You know, just enough to keep us humble and remembering that God supplies our income, ultimately. Yet, here I am, surrounded by stuff. Lots and lots of stuff.

Did you know that if you make $35,000/year, you are in the top 5% (read rich) of the global population?? You make $50,000?? You're in the top 1%!!! (Thanks, Jen Hatmaker for these statistics. Learn more here - www.jenhatmaker.com)

To quote from her book, "7":
Excess has impaired America (dare I add,specifically, the church); we are the richest people on earth, praying to get richer.
We're tangled in unmanageable debt while feeding the machine, because we feel entitled to more. What does it communicate when half the global population lives on less than $2 a day, and we can't manage a fulfilling life on twenty-five thousand times that? Fifty thousand times that amount?"

Ouch. That was just in her introduction!

So, today, after many, many promptings (I told you I can be thick-headed)... we are heading into a life of radical change, to align our life to look more like Jesus, who possessed nothing and gave it all away.

School has been postponed to the afternoon today after an amazing talk with our boys about changes we believe God is calling us to in our life. They have responded with enthusiasm and desire to embrace giving more and more of our life away.

Join me on this journey, won't you? (besides, I can use some accountability)

I don't want obedient children...

Sometimes my kids struggle with impulsiveness. As I spoke to one, yet again, about an impulsive move this week, thinking in my head of how weary I am of repeating myself on this subject, the thought hit me like a ton of bricks.

"That's not how I feel about your impulsiveness". Wait. What? Are you talking to me, God? As I pondered this interfering thought worming its way through my brain, my initial resistance was "I'm not impulsive". Yeah. Right.

That was JUST the thought needed to trigger example after example of impulsive words, reactions, thoughts, actions, attitudes, decisions, purchases to come flooding into my mind... Ouch. Impulsive? Me? Mmm-hmm.

Yet, here I've been 'correcting' this behavior in my own children without having the insight of correcting it in myself. Double ouch.

We are learning how to exercise and grow the spiritual muscle of Self-Control this week in our studies (thus, my particularly long-winded talk with my boy on an impulsive move. Grab those teachable moments, right?! UGH).

But it's so easy for me to take the role of abstract teacher, above the lesson, and not apply this lesson I want my children to embrace to myself. Say it with me now - hyp.O.crite. Yep, bona fide and convicted.

So, when I begin to lecture about the benefits of shaking off impulsive choices and behavior, who am I talking to? If it is to my children ONLY and not to my own heart, what does that do but drive a wedge between my children and myself?

When the onion is peeled back, we see that what drives my motive is for my children to be seen as obedient. Yet, again, who is the audience of this obedience? Friends? Family? Strangers? Big deal. Those people, and their opinions of me and my children don't matter (no offense, family and friends; hang in here to see my point). My concern should ONLY be with the one audience that DOES matter - God. So, if I have obedient children on the outside but their hearts are standing in rebellion, is that considered successful parenting?! I think not. If I orchestrate obedient children and garner praise from others but have a disobedient heart myself? What have I gained? Nothing. I have taught my children an empty faith and an empty relationship with our Creator God.

I should want more than an obedient child. I should want more than a outward appearance of obedience but harbor rebellion in my heart. And in my children's hearts. I cannot worship at the altar of obedience as though that is THE pinnacle moment in parenting. Or in my own life for that matter.

Is obedience important? Required of us by God? You bet'cha. But more than focusing on obedience I want to embrace - for myself and my children - virtues of God. In fact, John 1:53 says "this is love for God; that we obey His commands". Obeying is important. But like God, I want it to come from a place of love and desire to do so willingly, not forcefully. And not without developing other virtues of God. It's silly to think that we can teach our children - or ourselves - obedience in a vacuum. As though it is not connected to any other action or virtue.

So, here is what I desire of me and my boys:

Think David. God wants a heart that is after His own. Does that mean he demands perfect obedience from us? No. It does mean, though, that He wants us to want what He wants? Yep. He wants us to strive, knowing we are imperfect, for obedience and self-discipline. Does he want perfection? Does he want an outward appearance of obedience but an inward slant toward rebellion? Not a chance.

Grace. If the message of grace isn't picked up from Genesis to Revelation, I think a re-reading of the Bible is needed. There isn't a book of the Bible that doesn't gush with God's undeserved grace toward us, broken sinners. He gives us chance, after chance, after chance, after.. well, you get my point. If we struggle to extend grace to others (extending understanding of imperfection - both mine and theirs), then obedience is empty and hollow. Where does that get me?? The Pharisees obeyed. Right down to the very last law yet Jesus looked down on them for their empty hearts, unable to extend grace.

Love. It seems like this has been overemphasized in our church collective lately (and I would agree) but one can't get away from God's unconditional, mercy-giving, slate-wiping, erased memory kind of love. You just can't get away from it. The greatest of these IS love.

Joy. If I have taught my children to obey (or myself) but am empty of the sweet, redeeming joy that comes from the release of sin of the great things He has done for us, then.. well, I've missed the boat, folks. To rob myself and my children of the joy only Jesus can bring in my attempt at worshiping a standard of obedience is ludicrous. Seriously. Think about it. Big deal, my kids (or I) obey but I am rude, mean-spirited, IMPULSIVE in word and deed, grumpy, impatient, negative or complaining... then I have missed Jesus' words. I've read them but not absorbed them in my heart to make the necessary changes.

And finally... obedience. (yes, it DOES seem I'm contradicting myself here). Let me explain. I want obedience from my children JUST as God wants obedience from me, His daughter. But He doesn't want the first-time, robotic obedience that a moralistic formula tells us how to train. He wants my heart. He wants my joy. He wants my love. He wants my understanding and remorse over having done wrong. VOLUNTARILY. NOT Formulaic-ly (yes, I just made that word up). He wants voluntary obedience, not dictated, empty obedience. He wants me (and my children) to get to a point in my relationship with Him that I obey BECAUSE I WANT TO. NOT because He told me to or "it's the right thing to do as a Christian" or to keep up appearances and earn praise from others. He doesn't want empty obedience.

He wants my heart. It all starts and ends with the condition of my heart.

True obedience can get messy. Matters of the heart, well, they are messy too. Sometimes I don't hear Him prompting me to obey. Sometimes - oh, I hear him alright but... I ignore Him, thinking I know better. Sometimes.. well, I just choose to openly rebel. Sometimes (often times for me, actually), it takes SEV.ER.AL times for me to learn a lesson in obedience. Several. As in 7x70. Call me thickheaded. It's ok, I won't be offended. It's not always first-time obedience. Let's get real, it often NOT first-time obedience. Yet, He waits. He engages me... if I engage back. To soften my heart. To transform meTo be open to radical change in my heart, until finally, I conform to look more and more like Him - in word and deed.

More than immediate obedience to do what I say or be appropriate, I want a heart that embraces His love, joy, grace and from that, out of a true desire to follow, obedience. In me. And my children.

I leave you with an Anthem Lights song that captures what I want me (and my response) to God to be... Who wouldn't want to move to a closer heart of voluntary obedience when you think about His love and grace?? (Pardon the big hair in this video).



Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Weekly Wrap-up: Feb. 27 - Mar. 2

We started this week off with rainy weather, which for California (where we live), this is a MUCH needed component. It was nice to have a couple of days of rain squished into this week. Lord, bring the rain and spare our friends in the rest of the country!

School has been humming along this week at a nice pace. We finally found our groove after a rocky start to February! Of course, we found that groove right at the END of February! Ah well!

Here's what our week looked like:

We are progressing in our math and science lessons nicely. Perhaps it was the weather, or perhaps it was the realization that I haven't highlighted much of what we've been reading lately (particularly our read-alouds)so I thought I'd mention it.

Jake finished "The Ballad of Lucy Whipple" this week and came to the conclusion that he liked the book! He wasn't too sure through most of it but by the end, he enjoyed it! This is a biggie for him!
In keeping with his study of California history, his next book, "The California Trail" is a quick Cobblestone read. It's very informative about traveling the different trails, the reasons why and life in early California.

We finished our read-aloud "The God King" (World History for Josh) and moved on to a read-aloud for California History, "By The Great Horn Spoon"! Cute book so far!

Even though they were books my husband purchased long ago, in anticipation of the release of the movie, I picked up "The Hunger Games" on Monday night and by Friday morning before co-op, I was done with the trilogy! Very easy read (written for jr. high/high school reading level) but it stirred up many emotions for me. I grew attached to Katniss and Peeta and even Gale. Because the boys want to see this movie, I wanted to preview the books first. After reading, we began a SECOND read-aloud of "The Hunger Games" together. This gives me a chance to explain, discuss and teach the boys through it. We are half way through our reading and hope to finish early next week!

The boys are still moving along nicely with their piano lessons. I've enjoyed listening to them play and reminisce about my childhood years of playing. Am I old enough to reminisce?!? What the heck?! (sigh).

On Friday, our co-op gathered together for another lesson. One of our moms, who happens to be a biology professor, taught on the properties of air and wind. IT. WAS. AWESOME!
She began with a cute skit about wind and had several volunteers help act it out.

She had the entire group split up into hot air molecules and cold air molecules and we learned about the properties of those through this demonstration and other demonstrations with a candle, smoke, a balloon game and dry ice!

The kids LOVED it! The parents did too!

The kids got to try to catch what was in the wind with paperplates and vaseline! Awesome project!

Lastly, we had the kids make their own kites as a story was read! Jake and some friends are trying theirs out below. Who knew the properties of air and wind were so fascinating?!

We ended our time at the park and she brought a wind parachute that helps build strength, so the kids could feel the power of the wind and the resistance/drag when you move through it.
Very awesome co-op lesson day!

Once Chris got home, we paid tribute to Dr. Seuss' birthday by taking the family to see "The Lorax". Cute movie, although, I think I liked "Horton Hears a Who" a bit better. It was nice to see "Geisel" family members involved in the production of the movie. Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!
I hope your Friday was an awesome one!

I'm participating in the Weekly Wrap-up here:
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Healing through Him....

Words can't describe the emotional roller coaster that would sum up the last year and a half. My life, and the lessons God has brought forth, have taken so many twists and turns that I could hardly tell if I was up or down in the big picture of life.

You see, this past year and a half was a painful one. A hurtful one. Never have I experienced such hurtfulness from others, especially in such a concentrated number. This year has seen me falsely accused of things I didn't do, name-calling (yes, I couldn't believe it either and yes, I'm talking about adults), irate emotions in my face (literally) that was the adult version of a tantrum, mocking words that made fun of my desire to serve, unrealistic expectations and demands of me, subtle overtures of disrespectful behavior, comments about my person, lies about me. I think the saddest part is that all of this has come from fellow believers in Christ. Whew, I'm exhausted just writing that all out!

And that's just it... it was exhausting and pushed me to the point of my health deteriorating and dropping me smack middle into a Lupus flare. Not a good place to be. Physically or spiritually.

All of that pain, compounded on top of each other, by different people and different environments in my life (yes, simultaneously) heaped on top of my head like burning coals, was overwhelming. The very people I had called friends and family, were tearing me down.. sometimes behind my back and sometimes to my face. It was too much for me to handle. It was the worst kind of hurt. And I cried. For many weeks. All I could do was cry and agonize and grapple with the "Why? What did I do wrong to deserve such harsh treatment from others? Why do they not like me? Have they even given me a chance?" Dangerous questions to mull, let me tell you.

By the end of summer, the torment, both externally and internally, hadn't let up. I was at max breaking point. I was angry and I could feel the roots of bitterness begin to plant their roots deep into my heart where, if I let it continue, it would choke the Spirit of God and my ability to hear His voice, right out of me. But how to weed? How do I forgive while insults and mockery continue?

But, then. Words of a friend. Wise counsel from Godly women. Friends like these -godly friends that speak the truth in love - are priceless and rare. When I wanted affirmation in my hurt, I got correction for my bitter heart. When I wanted to zing hurtful words back, I got reminders of how God asks us to behave. This, too, was a painful time. Bible verses seem to be dropping in my lap (and my heart) from a variety of sources and these, too, stung. They were painful reminders of how far I had let my attitude and focus stray. It didn't matter if I was right or wrong, I had taken my eyes off of the one who mattered, to deal with petty comments and hurtful words. To defend my reputation. A reputation, I would later learn, not worth defending. I was trapped.

It took two months for God to grab hold of me and teach me the lessons I was trying to hide from in all of this. I met Him. In a stream of healing water and He washed my wounds and He reminded me that He has never rejected me. He let me know that my focus was on the wrong people. Because it was ON people. The words and hurts these people had caused, some repeatedly and intentionally, was not where my worth comes from. My worth comes from Him. He sets my value and not people and not this world. He bought me at a price.

God took the hurts of this past year and a half and used them for good. He used them to heal me. He taught me that my reputation (or anyone or anything else's) isn't worth defending. That is not my job as it robs me of His peace and rest. My job is to defend His name alone.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

~ Psalm 34:18

God took off the chains of anger and hurt and freed me. The shackles that I had taken on and helped lock onto my wrists and ankles, had fallen off while being washed in His healing waters. I left them there at the bottom of that stream and walked out of the water, a new creation with healed wounds. I;m not sure I have ever felt God's love more tangibly than I did at that time.

Did the hurtful environments go away instantly after my experience with God? Sadly, no. Did the hurtful comments and behaviors of others go away after God's healing? No. Those things didn't change. However, I can tell you what did. I changed. Through Him, I changed. And once that happened, I could face the hurt head on, knowing Jesus was standing in front of me protecting me through the hurt. I let Him guide my responses, my behaviors, my attitude and my decisions. I turned the reigns over to Him. This healing and the lessons I did learn and continue to learn, didn't happen over night. In fact, it is still happening and I am humbly grateful.

Now, here is where I NEVER. EVER. thought I'd be nor would I ever say... I am GRATEFUL for the experiences of this past year and a half. I am so glad God allowed all of it - every hurt, mockery, scorn, lie - to come into my life. He used every single bit of it to teach me and heal me and I just want to shout from the rooftops what He has done for me. Did He go kick those people's butts and tell them to stop picking on me?? I don't think so. I honestly don't know how He handled them (or if He did). And that is the point. My focus was shifted off of them and onto Him. He directed my eyes to the areas He wanted me to work on.. not the people I wanted HIM to work on!

Grateful that God chose these people and these venues to teach me and heal me. Thrilled that He has begun a good work in me and will not stop. Humbled that He would hear the desires of my heart for release. Release from the unhealthy entanglements of others and release from a place we called home. God had to take me to a point where I had to accept no release was coming. No reprieve. No retreat from the hurt. I had to accept that. And I did.. knowing I was shielded and protected by the One who loves me and makes me new each morning.

I am thrilled to be on this journey of healing. There are days and times when the enemy tries to steal it. He tries to tinker with the foundation that has already been laid but he forgets that through the healing, my response is to grab hold and fight for God's healing and not let it be taken away. By anyone. God's healing is sweet and worth fighting for to claim as my own!

My prayer is that you too would be on your own healing journey and the burdens of this life and all the hurt it (or someone) can throw at you would melt off of your shoulders and that you would be cradled in the arms of the One who has begun a good work in you too.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. ~Psalm 62:1-2

Let go and Let God...

It's been awhile since my last post but you can see from it that I love to plan! I love planning events, routines, schedules, shopping trips, vacations, home school schedules... it's endless, really, all the things I can plan!

This week, Good Morning Girls kicked off their summer reading program which gets women all of the world into God's word daily. Next week we also begin reading through the WONDERFUL book, "Ministry of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. Why do I tell you this? Well, it's not too late to jump in and join us, for starters! There is still room for you so head on over to Good Morning Girls and join an accountability group and meet some wonderful women! I have and am enjoying getting to know these women better as we journey this road together.

My other reason for bringing this up is to share with you what God has shared with me today. With my propensity to plan, it's easy to get ahead of God. It's easy to have my week, month, year all planned out. Logically, I KNOW that my plans won't all come to be, yet, I gain comfort from planning it anyway. Strange, huh? A good clue as to where I place my trust and faith - not His plans but my own. Ugh.

In Matthew 6:33 we read, "and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the kingdom of God your primary concern." This is a powerful IF/THEN statement that spoke to me this morning. My focus needs to be wholeheartedly, first and foremost, on Him and His ways. Yet, that is difficult when my mind is wandering to next week's dinner with friends or the camping trip in a month or what my kids will learn next school year. While those things aren't "bad" to focus on and plan out, they occupy too much of my focus in the day to day that I run the risk of MISSING today because I'm not HERE!

Now, this seems like such a simple "DUH, Sheri" moment. Perhaps this isn't a struggle for you but, boy, did I need to be reminded of this! My faith and trust shouldn't lie in MY plans but in the One that holds my future. This verse is SO clear - It is day to day that God provides all of my needs WHEN I'm focused on Him and His ways. I mean, The One who created all things and was there in the beginning and knows the end, He, even He, provides not a month's worth of needs, not a week's worth but day to day. If the Creator of the universe can focus on the day to day, surely I can take captive my thoughts and focus and bring them down to TODAY. In doing so, I become a better wife and mom because my focus is on my time with them - today.

It's easy for us to focus on the good part of this verse (He will provide ALL our needs day to day...) yet this verse requires action from us. He promises to take care of ALL of our needs, day to day, IF (yes, this is where you and I come in) I live for Him and make His ways my "primary concern". For me, this action is taking my thoughts and focus captive and behaving in a way that shows my faith and trust in Him - not my plans. For the reality is, I can make all the plans in the world and it gives me warm fuzzies to do so BUT I'm not in charge. I'm not in control of those plans or the REAL plans that He has for me. I need to lessen my faith in my own way and let His way in. "Let go and Let God" as the saying goes. That is what I needed to hear today.

I don't think making plan is 'bad', it is how tightly we grip those plans that is a problem. It is when we put our faith and trust in the plans and not the One who REALLY is in charge.

Let go of whatever you are holding onto today and Let God. Let God move in your life. Let God lay a better plan than you could ever have imagined.

This post is linked up to Women in the Word Wednesdays over at GoodMorningGirls