The life and death of a good girl..

I was talking with someone the other day... lamenting that I didn't have a dramatic conversion.  After all, I was  a "good girl".  I wasn't a wild child.  I wasn't a rebel (at least, not outwardly).  I wasn't a rule breaker.  At least, not too much.

I was brought up to believe in God.  After all, it was the right thing to do.

Until one day.

That day. I read the simplistic yet beautiful words in a Billy Graham book.  All of it I agreed with.  All of it made sense.  The views in the book were views I already held.  Then, I got to the page with the prayer.

Words so unfamiliar to me.  Words so distant and strange.  I had never talked to God about my faith in Him.  I had never told God that I believed in Him and His son. In fact, I had never talked to God at all before that day. I had never attended church either, for that matter.  That's when I realized it.   I realized  that I didn't have a relationship with God.  But I wanted one. 

I read the words on the page again while at the same time scanning my memory for some moment when I had accepted Christ to be my Lord and Savior.  Nope.  I got nothin'.

In that moment, with the decision to talk to God about this... my life changed.  Forever.

I don't have a Saul to Paul, on-the-road conversion story.  I don't have a "saved from a life of drugs" testimony.  And, in my early years at the first church I attended, I always felt less because of this.  I always felt ineffective.  I even had a Sunday School teach question my salvation and reject my experience because I couldn't remember the exact date and because she believed no one could come to Christ through a book (shows how small her God was).  Testimonies were supposed to be strong.  Drastic.  Dare I say, dramatic??  At least, in the church I started to attend after that day with Billy Graham, a book and a prayer.  

I've long since left that church in an attempt to free myself from man-made laws.  14 years ago, to be exact.

Apparently, some things have remained, though.

 In the midst of this conversation a few weeks back, I heard it.  I heard Him.

"That's a lie."

"That is pride."

"That is to your glory.  Not Mine." 

OUCH.

I had to switch topics in the conversation because the supernatural one going on in my head was too loud.

If you've ever had an "A-Ha!" moment or, in my case, a "DUH!" moment, then, my friend, you'd know exactly how I felt a weeks ago.

"I was a good girl."

"I didn't do anything wrong, really, before I accepted Christ."

Um... Hello?  Is anyone in there, Sheri?

What a bunch of lies I had believed!  I had walked on this earth harboring these thoughts... along with a dose  of guilt for not having a "gritty" enough testimony.  Really?

The truth penetrated my heart like the sharpest of swords.  

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23

Last time I looked, all means ALL.  Duh.

Despite reading this and other verses on THAT day with the book and prayer.. as well as all the days that have followed on this faith journey, my head knew this truth but my heart didn't.

Somewhere in my head, man's truth became bigger, false-truth, over God's truth.  

Because the truth is...

The truth is... 

No matter how "good" of a girl I classified myself or the world classified me, I was still (and still am) a sinner in need of a Savior.  That's Truth.

No matter how much I compared my testimony to others - each time not measuring up in drama or drastic change - I was just as broken.

Just as deserving of punishment.

Just as UN-deserving of grace and mercy....

as the drug addict.  the prostitute. the murderer.  the thief.  the liar.  the adulterer.  the abuser. 

This "good girl" was equal to those I had  unwittingly classified as in more need of grace than me.  I knew this wasn't true logically but my real beliefs - the one that could lament not having a dramatic conversion - they revealed what I was thinking somewhere in this brain of mine. 

You see, by saying "I was a good girl", I implied that I didn't need that much saving.  I didn't need that much grace.  At least, not as much grace as others.  

In believing that I was a good girl, I was saying, somewhere in my head and heart, that I. was. good. enough.  I was good enough for God's grace.  I had earned it.  

All pride.  

Shameful pride is all that was. I see that now. 

 Unwittingly, I was clinging to a little bit of the glory that was rightly meant for God.  I say unwittingly because had you asked me I would have said I wasn't good enough for God's grace.  I would have said I cannot earn my salvation.  My brain lived with these two opposing beliefs.

 The funny thing is I'm quite certain I'm not the only one that holds these beliefs.  In fact, I see this idea - 

the idea that "at least I was never a _________ (fill in the blank)" ...

a lot amongst believers.  It is the elephant in the room.  No one calls it out but it's there.  It's spoken in round about ways.  In knowing eyes and coded words.  

"At least, I'm not...".  

 "I'm a good person.."  

"I've got my life together"

"I follow the rules"

"I contribute _____ (time, money, insert your word here)"

All of this screams out... I'm good enough.  I am presentable enough to enter God's kingdom.  I am good.

The truth is I never was a "good enough" girl for God's amazing grace.  You and I, friend, we're not good enough. 

 For if we were, there'd be no need for Jesus.  

We can never be good enough... or follow the rules enough.. or have our life together, enough... to be worthy of entering into God's presence, let alone a relationship.   I cannot earn my way to heaven.

No amount of good behavior, good deeds, or thoughts can move me one step closer to earning a relationship with Christ.

And.. amen to that.

Because..

Isn't that exhausting??  

Trying to earn someone's approval?  

Trying to earn someone's friendship??  

Trying to be good enough??

It's down-right, bone-aching exhausting.  And it's wrapped in failure.  Every. Time. 

And Praise Him for His simple, releasing way of coming to Him.  

He says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" - Matthew 11:28

The truth is God isn't a God of complication.  He is a God of clarity and simplicity.  

He is a God of Grace. And freely gives that Grace when we are so, so undeserving of it. 

Let's put the "good girl" myth to death.  I know I have in my own life since my epiphany several weeks ago.  I am very aware of my daily failures... and I know I was never a "good girl" to earn God's grace by my own efforts.  It is most definitely a gift - freely given to all who seek it.

Overlooking offenses...

This concept and I.  We keep crossing paths.  I feel like in some ways it could well become the theme of my life over the past two years.   And please...  Don't read that as "I've got it all together and have this idea of overlooking offenses down pat."  Hardly.

Yet, in these past two years, God has chosen, again and again, to put this concept in front of me. Clearly, this is a concept I need to learn.  It's not something that comes naturally, in all honesty, to humans, though.  We live in a society that encourages and puffs up the idea that we should be offended at EVERYTHING.  And if we don't have a current offense to brew over, we should take up our friend's offense.  You know, become outraged on THEIR behalf.  Our world is quick to offend and slow to forgive.  

That is not how I want to be.

That is not what I was called to be.

God's plan for us believers is to live together in unity; sharing each other's burdens as well as joys; learning from one another; being vulnerable and transparent and being willing to be held accountable to each other and with each other; and overlooking offenses.

After having tasted the sweet, healing of forgiveness how can we not extend that very same forgiveness to others?  God didn't withhold Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for only those who ALREADY had their act together.  No! "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us".    And praise God for that, right?  Yet, we tend to look at each other and demand a certain level of behavior; a 'jump-through-my-hoops' kind of expectation before we are willing to extend forgiveness. Yet, that's not forgiveness.

 God wants us to give  TRUE forgiveness.  The kind that can joyfully, humbly pray for the person who hurt you.  The kind that can mourn when the offender mourns and be joyful when they are.  The kind that keeps no record of wrongs.  THAT kind of forgiveness.

For us humans, overlooking an offense, extending forgiveness... the kind that God speaks of and shows time and again to us... That is so, so foreign to us.  It's usually the LAST thing we want to do.  It's much easier for us to dip our toes (sometimes our whole body) into the pools of sin by gossiping; harboring resentment and anger; allowing a root of bitterness grow in our heart; wishing ill-will to our offender.  And this breaks my heart.  Why, oh why do we default to our sinful natures when we have been made new in Him??

Thank God, though, He forgives us, anyway.

Offenses come in all shapes and sizes.. and with all sorts of intents.  Some offenses are unintentional and some carry a malicious overtone that can't be ignored.  So often, though, I see fellow believers in Christ taking up offense over things that, in the end, really don't matter.  They are easily overlooked.  She didn't say 'hi' to me today; His tone was down and negative when he should have been friendly; She gave me an instruction I didn't like; He spoke directly and bluntly to me; She took the last book that I had wanted... 

Silly.  

Trivial.

Unnecessary, in the end.

God has called us to seek to understand first and be slow to anger.  Through Christ's sacrifice, we are called to forgive as He forgave us.... and we are to do it over.. and over... and over... again.  70x7.

Overlooking an offense, I'm convinced, cannot be done in MY own power.  It must be through the Holy Spirit working in my life.  It is when I obey the commands of scripture and the tugging in my heart, then I let God work through me as well as let Him mold me.  He is the potter, I am the clay.  I must remember this.

For it is not in my own power that I can overlook an offense and rid my heart of the unfairness of a situation and the hurt; it is only through Him that He can accomplish that through me.  

Over the past two years, and specifically the past few weeks, it is when I have let go and let God work, that I am freed from the bondage of being offended.  It is then that I can let Him purge my heart of the hurt and frustration of a situation and let Him mold me into the person He wants me to be.  

When I submit to Him, I become so free and so joyful, even in the midst of conflict, because only then can He be glorified in my life and through any situation.

I would encourage you.. if you have been offended (I'm not talking physical, sexual or verbal abuse), seek God's help to overlook it.  Seek His wisdom.  Extend true forgiveness and let God do some amazing work in your life.

Here's a great post about overlooking an offense that I read this week -

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/trevinwax/2012/10/02/the-power-of-overlooking-an-offense/

Sayonara, FB...

Well, I did it.  Almost a month ago, I deleted my Facebook account.  Now, some of you may be thinking, "Big deal".  Others may be thinking, "Are you nuts?".  And a few of you have verbally said to me, "Come back!".  :)

Yet, I can't.  I am unencumbered.  I am free.. and I can't go back.

I left Facebook for so many reasons.  Reasons, perhaps, too lengthy to list here but I'll attempt to, anyway. Things like drama that rivaled high school (and I did NOT "do" nor tolerated drama in high school why would I want to allow that in my life as an adult??), unhealthy comparing and competition, and a mode that not only fosters shallow friendships but turns real friendships into.. well, a convenience.  No longer would I have to pick up the phone or shoot my friend an email and see how she was doing.  I could just read about it on Facebook and be all caught up... and never reach out.

Which leads me to ask the question is Facebook now how we maintain "real" friendships?  I think not.  I would often leave Facebook feeling successful and accomplished for "maintaining" a friendship when in actuality, I made a fleeting comment.  Hardly 'salt and light' in the world, you know?  Because, the thing is, I'm not actually IN the world.  Facebook is a pseudo-world. I'd much rather give a positive comment to a friend in person. I'm much rather catch up with someone over tea.  I'd much rather invest myself in a few good friends than 200+ friends that I never or rarely see, let alone, have difficulty maintaining relationships with all.   For me, I need the face to face, one on one time.  A passing comment spoken every once in awhile or silently following someone doesn't make them part of my current life or spark a deeper friendship. 


 Investment.  That is what creates meaningful relationships.  Fellowship.  Truth.  Laughter.  Hugs.  All of these things that make up a friendship, I haven't really found on Facebook.  Please don't misunderstand my words.  I'm not saying I didn't have great friends on Facebook.  I'm saying my great friendships haven't been made or maintained via Facebook.   A cyber-world can't do what the real world can only do.


Besides, while glued to the computer voyeuristically (is this a word??) reading about other people's days, vacations, drama or what they ate (??)... what opportunities am I missing that God is putting right in front of me?  A new neighbor that needs a welcoming smile and conversation?  A child who is nursing hurt feelings for feeling secondary to mom's "friends" in the computer?  An opportunity to spend time with a real, live person??


This cyber-world has proven to be too heavy for my heart.  I have seen more hurt feelings, misunderstandings, misinterpretations and complaining in this pseudo-world than I care to entertain.  I became weary of the load that negativity was placing on me.  Yet, like a train wreck, I couldn't not watch.  Person A would post inflammatory comments or even brazen comments not normally said in a face to face conversation but then Person A would be hurt and offended when Persons B, C, and D would give their opposing opinion or equally brazen words on Person A's thoughts.  And I would ask myself, "Really?  You didn't see that coming?" And the complaining.  Oh my!  Friends that would never miss a moment to criticize and complain about... anything.  You name it... it was fodder for complaining.  This is not something I want to read.  Any of it.  This is the very stuff I want to guard my heart and mind from. I don't want to entertain a negative spirit.  This, and so much more, weighed me down.  It made my heart hurt.

 Not one that typically compares myself to other or is competitive, I would find myself slipping into this mode often.. much to my surprise. Let's get brutally honest here for a second.. I can't write this without mentioning the competitive spirit that exists on Facebook.  It drives the motive of many a status and page.  The spirit of "My  __________ (insert vacation, husband, children, spiritual walk, talents, finances, etc.) is better than yours "is oozing out of Facebook. To be fair, I know that is not the intention of all, however, recognizing this as a common theme caused me to look deeply into my own motives for what I would post.  Was it to boast?  Was it to make myself superior in knowledge, faith or economic status?  Was it to present a perfect life where nothing bad ever happens?  I really had to examine my motives of WHY I felt the need (impulse, really) to post what I felt I should/could/would.  


Then, there is the competition of the number of friends or likes one has.  Even if this competition is just in our head, it is still dangerous and stirs up insecurity and assumptions.  Sadly, though, it is not just in our heads.  I've heard many a friend and blogger hang their hat on the number of friends or followers they have.. and their self-worth is tied into that number.  This makes me  so sad for our worth doesn't come from a cyber-world or how many "likes" we get or how many people follow our blog.  Our worth comes from the One who gave His life, seeing us as worthy enough to do so.  To save us from ugly death. 

  However, the most groaning that came from my heart is the reality of how Facebook was changing  me.  Sure, I can look at the behavior of others and point a finger but the reality is, I didn't like who *I* was while on Facebook.  The time lost, the opportunities lost, the jumble of feelings that would knot up in my stomach when walking away from Facebook, my motives... all of it just wasn't right. I didn't like me when I entered this cyber-world.  Frustration.  Hurt feelings.  Assuming one thing when the truth of the situation was something else.  Insecurity.  Jealousy.  Slighted.  Ignored.  Facebook had become an idol.. without my even knowing it.  It became a constant fixture in my life that eclipsed many real-life friendships and the relationships with the people God put right in front of me.  Too much time was given to this world that doesn't really exist.. and, for me, not a healthy world.  It became a distraction to the life I was called to live. 


 Yes, we all joke about the time-wasting but my heart hurt over my personal mis-use of the time given to me.  The truth is I will stand before my Lord one day and answer for how I have used my time (among other things).  I'm pretty sure Facebook won't rank up there as a task that constitutes "redeeming the time".

Oh sure, for a long time I justified that this world was real.  It gave me a chance to reconnect with long lost relatives or friends... and let's face it, Jesus is all about relationships!  Right?  Right?   I justified that I was "sharing" my life and interesting information with my "friends".  The truth is posting what I'm doing this weekend or a funny thought from my kiddos doesn't get me any closer to my Facebook friends or relatives. I didn't walk away with stronger and/or restored relationships.  I walked away feeling more disconnected and feeling that I had a whole lot of friendships without deep roots. 


I had to ask myself if Facebook enhanced and grew true friendships?   OR my relationship with God?  Or detract from them?  For me, the answer was detract.  and distract.  No bueno.


So, I threw off that which hindered me and entangled my emotions and time.  I have walked away.. and it feels good.  This has been another step of healing for me.  The friends and family who are my friends know how to contact me.  They know where to find me.  I did lose touch with some dear people to me... my youth pastor and his wife; old friends that have moved away and I don't have contact info.  Yet, for my sanity and spiritual health, I had to quit cold turkey. So that I could be rid of the internal conflict and negativity that embraced me.  


And I am free.


No turning back.  No turning back. 


 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.             
                                                                                    Hebrews 12:1-2

Healing through Him....

Words can't describe the emotional roller coaster that would sum up the last year and a half. My life, and the lessons God has brought forth, have taken so many twists and turns that I could hardly tell if I was up or down in the big picture of life.

You see, this past year and a half was a painful one. A hurtful one. Never have I experienced such hurtfulness from others, especially in such a concentrated number. This year has seen me falsely accused of things I didn't do, name-calling (yes, I couldn't believe it either and yes, I'm talking about adults), irate emotions in my face (literally) that was the adult version of a tantrum, mocking words that made fun of my desire to serve, unrealistic expectations and demands of me, subtle overtures of disrespectful behavior, comments about my person, lies about me. I think the saddest part is that all of this has come from fellow believers in Christ. Whew, I'm exhausted just writing that all out!

And that's just it... it was exhausting and pushed me to the point of my health deteriorating and dropping me smack middle into a Lupus flare. Not a good place to be. Physically or spiritually.

All of that pain, compounded on top of each other, by different people and different environments in my life (yes, simultaneously) heaped on top of my head like burning coals, was overwhelming. The very people I had called friends and family, were tearing me down.. sometimes behind my back and sometimes to my face. It was too much for me to handle. It was the worst kind of hurt. And I cried. For many weeks. All I could do was cry and agonize and grapple with the "Why? What did I do wrong to deserve such harsh treatment from others? Why do they not like me? Have they even given me a chance?" Dangerous questions to mull, let me tell you.

By the end of summer, the torment, both externally and internally, hadn't let up. I was at max breaking point. I was angry and I could feel the roots of bitterness begin to plant their roots deep into my heart where, if I let it continue, it would choke the Spirit of God and my ability to hear His voice, right out of me. But how to weed? How do I forgive while insults and mockery continue?

But, then. Words of a friend. Wise counsel from Godly women. Friends like these -godly friends that speak the truth in love - are priceless and rare. When I wanted affirmation in my hurt, I got correction for my bitter heart. When I wanted to zing hurtful words back, I got reminders of how God asks us to behave. This, too, was a painful time. Bible verses seem to be dropping in my lap (and my heart) from a variety of sources and these, too, stung. They were painful reminders of how far I had let my attitude and focus stray. It didn't matter if I was right or wrong, I had taken my eyes off of the one who mattered, to deal with petty comments and hurtful words. To defend my reputation. A reputation, I would later learn, not worth defending. I was trapped.

It took two months for God to grab hold of me and teach me the lessons I was trying to hide from in all of this. I met Him. In a stream of healing water and He washed my wounds and He reminded me that He has never rejected me. He let me know that my focus was on the wrong people. Because it was ON people. The words and hurts these people had caused, some repeatedly and intentionally, was not where my worth comes from. My worth comes from Him. He sets my value and not people and not this world. He bought me at a price.

God took the hurts of this past year and a half and used them for good. He used them to heal me. He taught me that my reputation (or anyone or anything else's) isn't worth defending. That is not my job as it robs me of His peace and rest. My job is to defend His name alone.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

~ Psalm 34:18

God took off the chains of anger and hurt and freed me. The shackles that I had taken on and helped lock onto my wrists and ankles, had fallen off while being washed in His healing waters. I left them there at the bottom of that stream and walked out of the water, a new creation with healed wounds. I;m not sure I have ever felt God's love more tangibly than I did at that time.

Did the hurtful environments go away instantly after my experience with God? Sadly, no. Did the hurtful comments and behaviors of others go away after God's healing? No. Those things didn't change. However, I can tell you what did. I changed. Through Him, I changed. And once that happened, I could face the hurt head on, knowing Jesus was standing in front of me protecting me through the hurt. I let Him guide my responses, my behaviors, my attitude and my decisions. I turned the reigns over to Him. This healing and the lessons I did learn and continue to learn, didn't happen over night. In fact, it is still happening and I am humbly grateful.

Now, here is where I NEVER. EVER. thought I'd be nor would I ever say... I am GRATEFUL for the experiences of this past year and a half. I am so glad God allowed all of it - every hurt, mockery, scorn, lie - to come into my life. He used every single bit of it to teach me and heal me and I just want to shout from the rooftops what He has done for me. Did He go kick those people's butts and tell them to stop picking on me?? I don't think so. I honestly don't know how He handled them (or if He did). And that is the point. My focus was shifted off of them and onto Him. He directed my eyes to the areas He wanted me to work on.. not the people I wanted HIM to work on!

Grateful that God chose these people and these venues to teach me and heal me. Thrilled that He has begun a good work in me and will not stop. Humbled that He would hear the desires of my heart for release. Release from the unhealthy entanglements of others and release from a place we called home. God had to take me to a point where I had to accept no release was coming. No reprieve. No retreat from the hurt. I had to accept that. And I did.. knowing I was shielded and protected by the One who loves me and makes me new each morning.

I am thrilled to be on this journey of healing. There are days and times when the enemy tries to steal it. He tries to tinker with the foundation that has already been laid but he forgets that through the healing, my response is to grab hold and fight for God's healing and not let it be taken away. By anyone. God's healing is sweet and worth fighting for to claim as my own!

My prayer is that you too would be on your own healing journey and the burdens of this life and all the hurt it (or someone) can throw at you would melt off of your shoulders and that you would be cradled in the arms of the One who has begun a good work in you too.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. ~Psalm 62:1-2