lessons in letting go...

Both of my boys left for church camp today.  BOTH of them.

                               (why, yes, my son does have blue hair.  Team spirit!)

 Josh, my oldest, is a pro at this week-long camp thing.  Between his stint in scouts and other church camps, this is not his first time away.  Jake, however, has never been away to camp.  He is a ball of nervousness and excitement!

       (my oldest is a MUCH happier person than it looks; just not when a camera is around)

While I have my fleeting mom moments of worry, I couldn't be happier for both of my boys to experience this time with God, time with great friends and great leaders/friends in our church. I hand them over to people I trust and who love my children and care about them... as a family should.  In reality, though, I hand them over into God's hands.  He will protect, lead and stretch all of us this week.   I am excited for them for I wait expectantly to see how God will use this week.

            Josh and one of the leaders, an amazing woman of God, teasing him!  Love it!


                                      
                                              Our awesome youth pastor!  He rocks!

          Jake, his friends, and the great camp counselors from our church!  Great group of people!


My prayer for both boys is for friendships as deep as David and Jonathan forming on this trip.

I pray for  faith as solid and un-moving as Peter and Paul's.  I pray for the godly examples that are the adults that have sacrificed their time to help my children know Him better. I know my life was forever changed by a persistent youth pastor and his wife.  I pray that they return home with a renewed heart that responds "I am here" as Samuel did. Mostly, though, that they would unashamedly bow before the One who formed them and saved them and that, whether all or none go with them, they'd desire to go it alone, anyway.

I am confident that they will both have a memorable time and I hope, life-changing.

Yet, this mama, through these little experiences like this, is learning to let go.  I'll be honest.. it's sad and a little painful.. similar to lifting a band-aid off skin very slowly.  It is easy to forget in their little years that our purpose as parents is to train them to leave us, to "Go into the world...".  The world says our goal is to raise them to be successful but God says our goal is to teach them to be followers and fishers of men.  The success part, I'll leave that to God to handle.

So while it stings a little, I must remember that the boys are not truly mine.  They don't truly belong to me.  They belong to Him.  I could snatch them out of His hands and bubble wrap them and never let them out of my sight or experience life but I know I would only accomplish stunting and debilitating them. Trust me, I've tried this a few times.  Major parenting fail here.  Don't try this approach!  Besides, a mother's heart isn't to hurt or hinder her children but we must be careful our parenting tactics don't do that very thing.  I know my heart is not to handicap my boys from the life they were called to live... I want to help them achieve it.  And that begins... by letting go.

                                 
In all truth, though, my mom heart aches.. not to keep them home with me (ok, maybe a little) but to slow down my time with them! It is speeding by so fast.  It seems like just yesterday I was teaching Jake to talk and helping him walk and now, he walks out the door, away from me and Chris, on his own.

 And this is a great thing.  It really it is.  Josh has these deep thoughts and opinions that he came up with ALL ON HIS OWN!  When did that happen?!  :)



 So, while I stay behind and fill my days with overdo tasks and some overdue rest and relaxation, I know confidently that when I let go and let God take over, amazing things are going to happen!  My prayer is that my boys will be forever changed this week as they meet Him in a new environment and in new ways!

                                    First time at camp; last one to leave!  Love, love my boys!

Sayonara, FB...

Well, I did it.  Almost a month ago, I deleted my Facebook account.  Now, some of you may be thinking, "Big deal".  Others may be thinking, "Are you nuts?".  And a few of you have verbally said to me, "Come back!".  :)

Yet, I can't.  I am unencumbered.  I am free.. and I can't go back.

I left Facebook for so many reasons.  Reasons, perhaps, too lengthy to list here but I'll attempt to, anyway. Things like drama that rivaled high school (and I did NOT "do" nor tolerated drama in high school why would I want to allow that in my life as an adult??), unhealthy comparing and competition, and a mode that not only fosters shallow friendships but turns real friendships into.. well, a convenience.  No longer would I have to pick up the phone or shoot my friend an email and see how she was doing.  I could just read about it on Facebook and be all caught up... and never reach out.

Which leads me to ask the question is Facebook now how we maintain "real" friendships?  I think not.  I would often leave Facebook feeling successful and accomplished for "maintaining" a friendship when in actuality, I made a fleeting comment.  Hardly 'salt and light' in the world, you know?  Because, the thing is, I'm not actually IN the world.  Facebook is a pseudo-world. I'd much rather give a positive comment to a friend in person. I'm much rather catch up with someone over tea.  I'd much rather invest myself in a few good friends than 200+ friends that I never or rarely see, let alone, have difficulty maintaining relationships with all.   For me, I need the face to face, one on one time.  A passing comment spoken every once in awhile or silently following someone doesn't make them part of my current life or spark a deeper friendship. 


 Investment.  That is what creates meaningful relationships.  Fellowship.  Truth.  Laughter.  Hugs.  All of these things that make up a friendship, I haven't really found on Facebook.  Please don't misunderstand my words.  I'm not saying I didn't have great friends on Facebook.  I'm saying my great friendships haven't been made or maintained via Facebook.   A cyber-world can't do what the real world can only do.


Besides, while glued to the computer voyeuristically (is this a word??) reading about other people's days, vacations, drama or what they ate (??)... what opportunities am I missing that God is putting right in front of me?  A new neighbor that needs a welcoming smile and conversation?  A child who is nursing hurt feelings for feeling secondary to mom's "friends" in the computer?  An opportunity to spend time with a real, live person??


This cyber-world has proven to be too heavy for my heart.  I have seen more hurt feelings, misunderstandings, misinterpretations and complaining in this pseudo-world than I care to entertain.  I became weary of the load that negativity was placing on me.  Yet, like a train wreck, I couldn't not watch.  Person A would post inflammatory comments or even brazen comments not normally said in a face to face conversation but then Person A would be hurt and offended when Persons B, C, and D would give their opposing opinion or equally brazen words on Person A's thoughts.  And I would ask myself, "Really?  You didn't see that coming?" And the complaining.  Oh my!  Friends that would never miss a moment to criticize and complain about... anything.  You name it... it was fodder for complaining.  This is not something I want to read.  Any of it.  This is the very stuff I want to guard my heart and mind from. I don't want to entertain a negative spirit.  This, and so much more, weighed me down.  It made my heart hurt.

 Not one that typically compares myself to other or is competitive, I would find myself slipping into this mode often.. much to my surprise. Let's get brutally honest here for a second.. I can't write this without mentioning the competitive spirit that exists on Facebook.  It drives the motive of many a status and page.  The spirit of "My  __________ (insert vacation, husband, children, spiritual walk, talents, finances, etc.) is better than yours "is oozing out of Facebook. To be fair, I know that is not the intention of all, however, recognizing this as a common theme caused me to look deeply into my own motives for what I would post.  Was it to boast?  Was it to make myself superior in knowledge, faith or economic status?  Was it to present a perfect life where nothing bad ever happens?  I really had to examine my motives of WHY I felt the need (impulse, really) to post what I felt I should/could/would.  


Then, there is the competition of the number of friends or likes one has.  Even if this competition is just in our head, it is still dangerous and stirs up insecurity and assumptions.  Sadly, though, it is not just in our heads.  I've heard many a friend and blogger hang their hat on the number of friends or followers they have.. and their self-worth is tied into that number.  This makes me  so sad for our worth doesn't come from a cyber-world or how many "likes" we get or how many people follow our blog.  Our worth comes from the One who gave His life, seeing us as worthy enough to do so.  To save us from ugly death. 

  However, the most groaning that came from my heart is the reality of how Facebook was changing  me.  Sure, I can look at the behavior of others and point a finger but the reality is, I didn't like who *I* was while on Facebook.  The time lost, the opportunities lost, the jumble of feelings that would knot up in my stomach when walking away from Facebook, my motives... all of it just wasn't right. I didn't like me when I entered this cyber-world.  Frustration.  Hurt feelings.  Assuming one thing when the truth of the situation was something else.  Insecurity.  Jealousy.  Slighted.  Ignored.  Facebook had become an idol.. without my even knowing it.  It became a constant fixture in my life that eclipsed many real-life friendships and the relationships with the people God put right in front of me.  Too much time was given to this world that doesn't really exist.. and, for me, not a healthy world.  It became a distraction to the life I was called to live. 


 Yes, we all joke about the time-wasting but my heart hurt over my personal mis-use of the time given to me.  The truth is I will stand before my Lord one day and answer for how I have used my time (among other things).  I'm pretty sure Facebook won't rank up there as a task that constitutes "redeeming the time".

Oh sure, for a long time I justified that this world was real.  It gave me a chance to reconnect with long lost relatives or friends... and let's face it, Jesus is all about relationships!  Right?  Right?   I justified that I was "sharing" my life and interesting information with my "friends".  The truth is posting what I'm doing this weekend or a funny thought from my kiddos doesn't get me any closer to my Facebook friends or relatives. I didn't walk away with stronger and/or restored relationships.  I walked away feeling more disconnected and feeling that I had a whole lot of friendships without deep roots. 


I had to ask myself if Facebook enhanced and grew true friendships?   OR my relationship with God?  Or detract from them?  For me, the answer was detract.  and distract.  No bueno.


So, I threw off that which hindered me and entangled my emotions and time.  I have walked away.. and it feels good.  This has been another step of healing for me.  The friends and family who are my friends know how to contact me.  They know where to find me.  I did lose touch with some dear people to me... my youth pastor and his wife; old friends that have moved away and I don't have contact info.  Yet, for my sanity and spiritual health, I had to quit cold turkey. So that I could be rid of the internal conflict and negativity that embraced me.  


And I am free.


No turning back.  No turning back. 


 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.             
                                                                                    Hebrews 12:1-2

For The Love of Learning...

School hasn't wrapped up around these parts.  We are still chugging along and will be until June 22.  A gauntlet has been thrown, however, and I've challenged my boys to diligently work to be finished by June 14.  They liked the thrill of that challenge, so we'll see how it goes!

Even though we've set a date to end our formal schooling, we all know that the learning never really stops.  The beauty of learning is that it just keeps going.  There will be "field trips" (shh, don't call them that during summer!) and even an "extended field trip" to Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, and Mt. Rushmore.

There will be books read as we have always done a "Summer Reading Challenge", even when they were in public school.

We will visit museums, new cities around Northern and Central California and learn culture, history, social etiquette and exploration.

We will go camping which brings lots of interest in the area of Science.  Each kiddo will keep a journal of our extended field trip or vacation where daily writing will occur (that's the plan, anyway).

 Then, we have life skills and service to others.  Summer home projects that they will help with and learn a new skill; helping at VBS and other service projects for the summer have been planned.  Even, spiritual growth will occur - each will still be working through our Bible curriculum over the summer in addition to reading for their quiet times.  Each will be attending church summer camps that will surely challenge them to grow their faith.

Homeschooling as a lifestyle becomes so easy when you take education off its leash and let it roam freely.  When it's not forced, a love of learning develops and becomes a daily part or life.

Peanuts, anaphylaxis and the horrible, no good, very bad week...

This post should have been about all the school we accomplished this week and some of the interesting things that we learned. Alas, it is not. Best laid plans...

Anyway, we made it through lunch and  were all poking around for something sweet to eat when I came across a Bumble Bar Chocolate Crisp bar I had purchased awhile back at the bottom of our "sweet tooth" basket. As always with a new food, I inspected the label, front and back, looking for any warning signs and ingredients. The first thing that struck me odd was how small the ingredient font size was on the back of the wrapper. I could barely read it at all. So, I flipped it over and inspected the front again and then looked for the bold-type warning signs. Nothing. No mention of peanuts or nuts at all. It was a chocolate crisp bar which is what they called the bar, and different from the company's "peanut" bar. I opened it and took a small bite of it and told the boys, if Josh could eat it, they could split it in half.

Josh picked up the wrapper and investigated it, as we've taught him to do, and found nothing mentioning peanuts either. As always, I gave him a very small bite as a taste test to make sure he didn't react to it, something we've always done since a toddler because of all of Josh's food allergies, not to mention my experience growing up with an anaphylactic reaction to eggs and fish.

He tasted it and wasn't impressed with it nor did he seem to have a reaction, so he moved on to looking for another treat he could have to calm his sweet tooth. We all settled in to watch our documentary when Josh mentioned his throat felt funny. This was probably 10-15 minutes after ingesting that small piece of the bar to taste test.

He made his way to the bathroom and began reporting what he was feeling inside his body, another thing we've taught him to do. He was having trouble swallowing. His lip was swelling. His eyes became very bloodshot. He said he had a lump in his throat which was growing. I remained calm as I got the benadryl out and his epi-pen. As I was asking him questions, he began to tell me that his symptoms were subsiding. And they were. His lips were not as pronounced and the splotchiness that had crept onto his face was disappearing.

This was not his usual response in a reaction. Typically, his throat itches, his lips swell, and he usually throws up. We then administer benadryl and monitor him and all signs of a reaction go away. This was not happening, though.

For the next 20-30 minutes, his symptoms of reaction would come and go. Literally. Come and go. He would be in a terrorized panic over his closing esophagus with awful wheezing and then 5 minutes later, he'd be calm, cleared up, and wanting to resume the documentary. I was baffled and in limbo for each time it "flared" up, I had the epi-pen out and ready to use it and just when I'd be ready to un-cap it, his symptoms would begin to subside.  So, I'd wait and watch.

Now, there are two camps of opinion when it comes to epi-pens. Because epi-pens carry their own set of problems and side effects there are those in the medical community that adovcate not to use the pen unless it is absolutely, postively, beyond a doubt necessary. Defining "necessary" becomes the blurry part. Treat first with antihistamines, watch and see and then decide before using. Then, there are those that advocate at the first sign of a reaction, use it! Worry about any possible side effects of the pen later (some which include heart problems). Now learning that are three types of anaphylactic reactions, both opinions hold true, depending on which type of reaction is unfolding before your eyes. Up to this point, all of Josh's reactions have been able to be contained with benadryl (as have mine, minus one incident as a toddler involving touching a cracked egg at an Easter egg hunt).

I gave him 1 capsule of Benadryl, as we've done before to stop a reaction, and his body wasn't responding. 5 minutes went by.  10. His body still wasn't responding.  At this point, I began to inwardly panic and told him that I was going to use the epi-pen on him.  By the time I had it ready, all symptoms improved greatly.  So, I watched and waited again.
Within another 10 minutes, he was back to square one and unable to breathe, swallow his own saliva.  At this point, I should have used the pen but was so stunned and baffled by the whip-lash like responses.  I gave him a second dose of Benadryl and knew we'd be going to the hospital one way or the other.  This was too severe of a reaction to NOT go.
I told him that, if he could, he should try to throw up to get it out of his body and prevent his system from having to process this allergen.  He did throw up several times and instantly his eyes cleared up and his swelling reduced.  His breathing returned to normal (no more wheezing) and he seemed perfectly fine. We got dressed (it was PJ day, a rare thing in our house since I make everyone get dressed for school).

Chris came home from work and rushed him to the hospital since his outer throat was swollen at this point.  My biggest regret is not sticking him with the pen and calling 911 immediately.  However, I assumed that this reaction would be like all the others and would respond to Benadryl alone.  I was wrong.

Jake was terrified that Josh was going to die; so, we cried and prayed together.  Both Jake and my emotions  had been riding the wave of this intense reaction - the ups and downs - over the course of 45 minutes.  Jake has seen Josh have reactions before but none have ever been this intense and drastic.  I hope we never have another like this again.

Josh was given an IV of steroids and two different anti-histamines and monitored for 4 hours at the hospital. During that time, rashes, swollen lips and mild reactions would come and go WHILE BEING TREATED WITH MEDS.  Crazy, scary stuff.  The doctors said the adult dosage of Benadryl is what kept him breathing.  What a confusing, humbling, terrifying thought to have a doctor say to you.

He couldn't be left alone until his reactions had subsided because his lungs, despite the medicine, could decides to close up and cut off breathing, so Chris and I began a vigil of watching him.  The first night, we didn't let him fall asleep until 4a.m. and the second night Josh fell asleep around 2.  The remaining nights we let him fall asleep earlier (we were all so exhausted), in the living room, but we still watched him all night.

Josh did not stop reacting to the peanuts that he ingested (on Monday) until Friday morning.  Thursday morning he had a strong reaction again where he began to struggle breathing, his lips swelled up and he began having difficulty swallowing.  We all got dressed knowing another hospital visit was around the corner, and I called the advise nurse.  I increased his dosage of Benadryl but kept his steroid and other anti-histamine dosages the same and that got rid of this secondary reaction.

I shutter to think what Josh's next reaction could look like if he ever gets hold of peanuts again.  We both have agreed that we never want to go through this again.

I learned that there are 3 different types of anaphylactic reactions (Josh hit the most severe) and his pediatrician reviewed them with me. I also learned that to truly treat a reaction (as best as you can), both Benadryl and Pepcid AC needs to be given because Benadryl doesn't address both kinds of histamines our bodies produce.  Dr. Cohen was helpful and caring through all of this.  He says Josh was lucky.  I say God was protecting as I don't believe in luck.  Chris and I couldn't be more grateful for God's protection over that entire day.  May Josh never come in contact with  peanuts again. Amen.

A bunny, a basket, and an overwhelming conviction...

A couple of weeks ago, Chris and I sat the boys down one family night and told them the truth about Santa. Our oldest, who just turned 13, was already suspicious of this jolly 'ol man but Chris and I were convincing and held out to the very end that he was real, indeed. So, he was unsure based on conflicting murmurings from his friends and his parents. Our youngest, who just turned 10, believed wholeheartedly in St. Nick. Now, keep in mind, I purposely never had any decor of Santa in our home. Ever. Santa never gave big presents - only stocking presents that helped the boys' relationship with God such as devotionals, fiction books, etc. To sum it up, Santa was heavily downplayed in our home. Yet, the boys still believed because we told them to.

With our decision to purge anything that detracts from the truth, our relationship with Christ, AND/OR that takes our resources away from doing God's will (be it time, money, energy), we knew we had to come clean to our kids about some long held traditions. We were convicted to speak the truth in love. To proclaim which message - the one of the world or the one of God's word - was truth. Within that truth should be the celebration.

So, we told them the truth about Santa, with the caveat not to tell other kids because other families still choose to believe in Santa. The Easter bunny wasn't a big deal because we told them from the very beginning that he wasn't real. The baskets and toys they received came from us and they knew that.

Here's the thing we couldn't wrap our head around, once the light came on and Chris and I were convicted about this practice. How can we, in good conscience as Christians and as parents, wrap the truth of Jesus' amazing birth and even more amazing, life-giving death and resurrection, with a bunch of...meaningless stuff?? Isn't the message of his death and resurrection and the meaning and holy joy that it brings... enough?? Must that GREAT NEWS be dressed up to make more appealing? No, He is enough.

I don't want my boys to wake up on Easter Sunday excited about a basket, a bunny and some cheap toys that will be tossed to the corner in a few days! NO! I want them to wake up excited about the truth! That because of His sacrifice, we have assurance of life everlasting with God, if we believe and accept it! There is excitement in His resurrection - not just because of what we stand to gain from it (although that is a biggie) but because of the miracle that it is! How can we try to get them excited about this when we are mudding up the message with toys, sugar and another message entirely?? Chris and I realized that what we thought had been a harmless tradition actually had been drawing them away from the real meaning and importance of this holiday or holy day.

This tradition that we'd been celebrating detracts, and actually DISTRACTS, my kids from God's truth and that was a sad realization for us. Chris and I had to apologize to God and then we apologized to our kids. This was such a healing moment for our family!

With renewed spirits, fresh from eyes being opened wide, we put the money that would have gone to basket fillings to focus on the needs of another. To give the words that breathe life to someone that is dead. We made a pledge to Bibles Unbound. This organization delivers Bibles, even at the risk of their own life, to people desperate to receive a Bible of their own but live in countries hostile to the gospel.

So, no peeps. No jelly beans. No stuffed bunnies. No basket grass (to which Chris is thrilled; he's always hated that stuff). I'll admit, I've had a couple of moments in Target or another store where I impulsively, automatically went toward the Easter stuff. That visual reminder sets a momentary panic in me thinking I am not prepared! Then I remember... it's not about the bunny, it's about Jesus... and I can't buy that.



Disclaimer: I know this isn't a popular thought and I used to be the first to say "what's the harm?" but through our "7" purge and laying everything out before our eyes and before the Lord, we now know. I didn't blog about this as a way to boast or pat ourselves on the back. We grieved over the reality of the conflicting messages we were sending to our children. Nor did I write about this to stir division among believers. This is our own personal conviction, not an edict for others to follow. I do hope it gives you something to think about but I write, if for nothing else, to remind myself of this journey God is leading us on as a family; To have no sacred cows in our life and to have nothing that detracts or distracts from God. That is my reminder through these words.

I don't want obedient children...

Sometimes my kids struggle with impulsiveness. As I spoke to one, yet again, about an impulsive move this week, thinking in my head of how weary I am of repeating myself on this subject, the thought hit me like a ton of bricks.

"That's not how I feel about your impulsiveness". Wait. What? Are you talking to me, God? As I pondered this interfering thought worming its way through my brain, my initial resistance was "I'm not impulsive". Yeah. Right.

That was JUST the thought needed to trigger example after example of impulsive words, reactions, thoughts, actions, attitudes, decisions, purchases to come flooding into my mind... Ouch. Impulsive? Me? Mmm-hmm.

Yet, here I've been 'correcting' this behavior in my own children without having the insight of correcting it in myself. Double ouch.

We are learning how to exercise and grow the spiritual muscle of Self-Control this week in our studies (thus, my particularly long-winded talk with my boy on an impulsive move. Grab those teachable moments, right?! UGH).

But it's so easy for me to take the role of abstract teacher, above the lesson, and not apply this lesson I want my children to embrace to myself. Say it with me now - hyp.O.crite. Yep, bona fide and convicted.

So, when I begin to lecture about the benefits of shaking off impulsive choices and behavior, who am I talking to? If it is to my children ONLY and not to my own heart, what does that do but drive a wedge between my children and myself?

When the onion is peeled back, we see that what drives my motive is for my children to be seen as obedient. Yet, again, who is the audience of this obedience? Friends? Family? Strangers? Big deal. Those people, and their opinions of me and my children don't matter (no offense, family and friends; hang in here to see my point). My concern should ONLY be with the one audience that DOES matter - God. So, if I have obedient children on the outside but their hearts are standing in rebellion, is that considered successful parenting?! I think not. If I orchestrate obedient children and garner praise from others but have a disobedient heart myself? What have I gained? Nothing. I have taught my children an empty faith and an empty relationship with our Creator God.

I should want more than an obedient child. I should want more than a outward appearance of obedience but harbor rebellion in my heart. And in my children's hearts. I cannot worship at the altar of obedience as though that is THE pinnacle moment in parenting. Or in my own life for that matter.

Is obedience important? Required of us by God? You bet'cha. But more than focusing on obedience I want to embrace - for myself and my children - virtues of God. In fact, John 1:53 says "this is love for God; that we obey His commands". Obeying is important. But like God, I want it to come from a place of love and desire to do so willingly, not forcefully. And not without developing other virtues of God. It's silly to think that we can teach our children - or ourselves - obedience in a vacuum. As though it is not connected to any other action or virtue.

So, here is what I desire of me and my boys:

Think David. God wants a heart that is after His own. Does that mean he demands perfect obedience from us? No. It does mean, though, that He wants us to want what He wants? Yep. He wants us to strive, knowing we are imperfect, for obedience and self-discipline. Does he want perfection? Does he want an outward appearance of obedience but an inward slant toward rebellion? Not a chance.

Grace. If the message of grace isn't picked up from Genesis to Revelation, I think a re-reading of the Bible is needed. There isn't a book of the Bible that doesn't gush with God's undeserved grace toward us, broken sinners. He gives us chance, after chance, after chance, after.. well, you get my point. If we struggle to extend grace to others (extending understanding of imperfection - both mine and theirs), then obedience is empty and hollow. Where does that get me?? The Pharisees obeyed. Right down to the very last law yet Jesus looked down on them for their empty hearts, unable to extend grace.

Love. It seems like this has been overemphasized in our church collective lately (and I would agree) but one can't get away from God's unconditional, mercy-giving, slate-wiping, erased memory kind of love. You just can't get away from it. The greatest of these IS love.

Joy. If I have taught my children to obey (or myself) but am empty of the sweet, redeeming joy that comes from the release of sin of the great things He has done for us, then.. well, I've missed the boat, folks. To rob myself and my children of the joy only Jesus can bring in my attempt at worshiping a standard of obedience is ludicrous. Seriously. Think about it. Big deal, my kids (or I) obey but I am rude, mean-spirited, IMPULSIVE in word and deed, grumpy, impatient, negative or complaining... then I have missed Jesus' words. I've read them but not absorbed them in my heart to make the necessary changes.

And finally... obedience. (yes, it DOES seem I'm contradicting myself here). Let me explain. I want obedience from my children JUST as God wants obedience from me, His daughter. But He doesn't want the first-time, robotic obedience that a moralistic formula tells us how to train. He wants my heart. He wants my joy. He wants my love. He wants my understanding and remorse over having done wrong. VOLUNTARILY. NOT Formulaic-ly (yes, I just made that word up). He wants voluntary obedience, not dictated, empty obedience. He wants me (and my children) to get to a point in my relationship with Him that I obey BECAUSE I WANT TO. NOT because He told me to or "it's the right thing to do as a Christian" or to keep up appearances and earn praise from others. He doesn't want empty obedience.

He wants my heart. It all starts and ends with the condition of my heart.

True obedience can get messy. Matters of the heart, well, they are messy too. Sometimes I don't hear Him prompting me to obey. Sometimes - oh, I hear him alright but... I ignore Him, thinking I know better. Sometimes.. well, I just choose to openly rebel. Sometimes (often times for me, actually), it takes SEV.ER.AL times for me to learn a lesson in obedience. Several. As in 7x70. Call me thickheaded. It's ok, I won't be offended. It's not always first-time obedience. Let's get real, it often NOT first-time obedience. Yet, He waits. He engages me... if I engage back. To soften my heart. To transform meTo be open to radical change in my heart, until finally, I conform to look more and more like Him - in word and deed.

More than immediate obedience to do what I say or be appropriate, I want a heart that embraces His love, joy, grace and from that, out of a true desire to follow, obedience. In me. And my children.

I leave you with an Anthem Lights song that captures what I want me (and my response) to God to be... Who wouldn't want to move to a closer heart of voluntary obedience when you think about His love and grace?? (Pardon the big hair in this video).



Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

How do you define success?

I suppose I don't hold to the traditional definitions of success. I don't define my life by what I do for a living (or what Chris does). Or my clothing size. Or by my accolades. I don't define what I own as success either. After all, they are just things that come and go and, quite frankly, trends are stupid. Trends bug me. They are just other people telling you how to think and behave (uh.. hand over brain ___here___). No, I like to think for myself, thank you very much. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to buy a new sweater or a piece of new furniture but they don't define me or my success.

No, I have a much more simpler way of measuring whether I'm successful or not. For starters, and this is probably the biggest difference in the world's definition, is I don't measure my success by other people's or society's definitions. I don't want to be a prisoner to a definition that others tell me I have to meet. You know, the drill... you *HAVE* to own the latest and greatest (insert item __here__) or your home, your life, your relationships, your educational background *MUST* look like everyone else or your not successful. Simply put, I don't define success by what others say is successful. Life's too short to let another live YOURS for you!

I *DO* define success in the ways that matters most to ME. Have I loved - really shown love - to my children today? Have I lived with a grateful heart today? Did I treat my husband with respect when I could have coped an attitude instead? Does he feel the amount of love that I have for him? Have I had a successful relationship with my husband? With each of my children? Have I taught my boys something that brings them closer to God today? Are my kids displaying grateful hearts? Have I laughed today? Have I been a good example in attitude and behavior for my boys? Have I been a friend that uplifts and encourages today? Have I helped someone that needs it? Have I extended grace that I might otherwise deem undeserving? Have I lived out God's words today, to the best of my ability? Have I been a "good and faithful" servant?
These are some of the many measurements of success in my book. How well I accomplish these (and a few other) definitions is what matters to me. It's liberating to take the focus off of what others say is success and listen to God's definition and make it my own. How well have I loved? How well have I given selflessly? How well have I taken care of my family?

I don't define success by what others think nor do I ever want to. I don't want to chase after material things that rot away or acquire something just to impress someone else. That's no success at all. That's slavery. That's not what I was called to do here with my time on earth. I want to keep at the forefront the successes that matter most.

Full speed ahead...

Full blown school starts around these parts tomorrow. I've readied the room, prepared my lesson plans, put a couple of orders for new supplies in and the kids are brimming with excitement and eagerly awaiting the moment when I wake them up at 7a.m. tomorrow to start breakfast and devotions before getting into school topics at 8:30. (ok, so the last one.. not so much. I can dream, though, right?!?).

I began the school year with one plan and that plan, is still, relatively intact. I've made some tweaks and adjustments and full on abandoned other things altogether.

Here's what's working so far...

*Spelling Power. This program is wonderful, quick and easy to use. It contains the 5,000 most commonly used words in the English language that the kids work through, semi-independently. I say "semi" because I read off the words to them in our daily 5 minute test. I also check for mastery and retention in different phases each day. I opted not to purchase the activity cards in the beginning but have since re-thought that and have made that purchase. We will be implementing that component this week!

*Teaching Textbooks. I REALLY love this math curriculum!! I'm so glad someone recommended it to me last year!! While it doesn't have as much review/repetition as I'd like, that's easily remedied with supplemental worksheets/workbooks.

*Apologia Science - YES! LOVE this curriculum too! I can't wait to do Botany and Anatomy with the boys (they aren't as thrilled about Anatomy as I am. They're a bit squeamish). I highly recommend this curriculum, especially if you're teaching multiple ages in this subject. Great stuff!

*God's Great Covenant, OT - This is an excellent curriculum to provide a foundation for biblical knowledge. Put out by Classical Academic Press, it is very well organized and structured for optimum retention of the facts. This gets a high recommendation from us!

*Charlotte Mason/Unit study approach to History - having attended the unit study workshop in the summer really improved how we approach history (and even science) now. LOVE this structure for this topic! Another high recommend!

What's in the works...

*Mapping the World by Heart - I purchased this curriculum in the summer with the hopes of beginning it in the first semester. Clearly, that didn't happen. This is an intriguing curriculum that I'm excited to incorporate THIS semester. It looks fun, has a hands-on creative approach and seems manageable to incorporate into our school day.

*Spanish for Children - another Classical Academic Press product! I can't wait to get my hands on this!! It comes highly recommended by my mother in law, who checked it out and is fluent in Spanish.

*Shurley English - grammar that's fun?!? As one who holds a degree in English, *I* can't even claim that to be true YET a very good friend has highly recommended it after using it this first semester with her own kids.

I'll keep you posted on how these curriculum choices panned out in our homeschool!

So, here's to a new year and a new semester of school!! Yippee!

Homemade Christmas Advent

Last year, we began a new tradition in our home to try to keep the real meaning of Christmas the focus of the season. "Christmas isn't about gettin'", as Veggietales correctly points out. With the hustle and bustle and push to shop, shop, shop... Jesus' birth, and its significance, is often lost. We struggle with this as adults. Why wouldn't our children have an even more difficult time then? Without intentionality, Christmas' focus shifts to an attitude of "what am I going to get?" instead of "what am I thankful for". Being intentional for the sake of our children's hearts, and our own, provides a very satisfying Christmas season - and that satisfaction doesn't come from things.

To create your own Christmas Advent, you'll need a place for your daily activity slips. We found small, colorful envelopes at our dollar store. I put a decorative slip around them and numbered them - 1 through 25. I then hang the envelopes on a string in our downstairs hallway. Some families use a wooden advent tree but anything will do. Then, write an activity (be creative) for every day between December 1 and December 25. Make them specific and meaningful for your family. Some days, we do more than one.

This is what we'll be doing this season:

* Serve a meal at Union Gospel Mission

* Snuggle up and watch The Nativity Story!

* Go Christmas Caroling at the Convalescent Home with Cub Scouts

* Make snowflakes to hang around the house!

* Make a list of 10 things you are thankful for and hang it where you can see it daily

* Make Christmas cookies. Some to enjoy tonight and others to give to neighbors

* Stargaze tonight with the telescope and learn about the star that led the wise men to Jesus

* Family worship night tonight! Celebrate Jesus’ birthday by worshiping him! Have a cupcake for dessert too!

* Family game night tonight!

* Write a letter to one of your family members telling them how much you love and appreciate them. Tell them WHY you love them . Tell them what you like about them. Pray a prayer of thankfulness for that person.

* Write a ‘thankful’ letter to ANOTHER family member telling them how much you love and appreciate them. Tell them WHY you love them and what you like about them. Pray a prayer of thankfulness for that person, together.

* It's Christmas Day! Happy Birthday, Jesus! Remember, on this day we celebrate Jesus' birth! His coming to save us is the greatest gift of all!

* Go to Christmas Eve Service tonight!

* Tonight, we go to the old Crest theater to watch the old movie, “White Christmas”, with popcorn and a drink! Bundle up!

* Check out Christmas lights around town! Don't forget the snacks, Christmas music for the car ride and make sure to wear your jammies!

* Snuggle up and watch another Christmas movie together tonight!

* Play some games as a family tonight. Enjoy our time together!

* Read a Christmas story together with hot chocolate and a cookie!

* Go through our books and donate the books we no longer want to kids in need.

* Read the story of Jesus’ birth and discuss how important his birth is to us today. Why do we celebrate his birth? Watch Veggietale’s “The Toy That Saved Christmas”

* Make a paper chain and write on the back of the papers what you are thankful for!

* Write your last ‘thankful’ letter to the other family member. Tell them that you love them and WHY you love them. Tell them what it is you like about them. Pray a prayer of thankfulness for that person, together.

* Dance and sing to Christmas music!

* Bundle up and grab your beanies because we’re going on a flashlight walk! Notice the beauty of winter and God’s creation! See what makes winter different from other seasons! Come back to warm up with hot chocolate and the Veggie Tale movie, “It’s a Meaningful Life”!

* Make Christmas ornaments!

* Make Christmas popcorn balls!

* Bake with mom today!

* Make Uncle Paul’s famous truffles!


What will you do to make Christmas meaningful?

full circle remembrance

Today is a big day in the life of Jake. This day stirs up memories of the first years of his life. Beautiful, sun-drenched days of downy blonde hair, cooing and formula burps. His entrance into this world was amazing and wonderful but not without hurdles. This child had to fight to keep his place in this world. His hands - his breath - his very soul clung to the warm place that he called home for 8 months. Without ever stepping out of my womb, this child already knew of adversaries, struggle and developing a will to survive.

My body was not a welcoming place for either of my boys. My body tried so hard to reject new life forming. This new life was a threat - something that must be destroyed. Jake's struggle began almost as soon as he was conceived. High risk. Warnings of loss. Warnings of deformities all came back from the experts. Tests. More tests. Nothing could be definitive until he was born. Yet, we knew, no matter the outcome, God had created this child and He was in control. Not the doctors. Not the tests. Not my body.

As Jake grew, so did my body's attempt to attack him and rid itself of him. 5 months early, my body was done with him. More tests. Twice a week, Chris and I drove to the hospital to see if our precious son was still alive in my body. With lots of prayer and bed rest, we made it to 3 weeks before the due date. My body was weakening him and his heart was stopping, the doctors induced. Initially, he struggled to release himself from the attacks. He wrestled with the disease that I wrestle with. He fought to ensure he had a place in this world and by the end, a wonderful, easy, amazing delivery came. All seemed well. The warnings that had come, quickly disappeared upon looking at our new bundle of joy. No deformities. No loss. No more struggle.

Happy. Growing, yet unable to use his muscles. Growing, yet unable to support himself. No lifting of the head. No sitting up on his own. No crawling. No walking. No milestones to mark. Lots more prayer and doctor visits.

2 years of physical therapy and our youngest could walk. Hallejuah! Another year and a half of leg braces to help support this newfound, yet delayed skill. He had a smile on throughout it all. Still, concerns of a deeper, more lingering problem held on. Whispers from the physical therapist. Whispers from the neurologist. All wondering what had caused the hypotonia (no muscle tone). Awkward mentions of cerebral palsy floated across lips and I struggled to see that when we had a happy, healthy WALKING toddler in front of us. More warnings to watch for signs around the age of 5. Will he become clumsy? Will the muscle tone he'd worked so hard for go away? So, we watched and waited, praying the whole time that God's will would be fulfilled, whatever that looked like.

5, 6, 7 years old. No signs of faltering muscles or regression and we are thankful. Yet, other signs appear. Little concerns here and there. New concerns. 8 years old and it is time to draw back the curtain to see if anything is going on inside that maybe we can't see on the outside. We arrive to today. MRI. EEG. A new neurologist wanting to pick up where the other doctors left off. And we are thankful. Perhaps it is nothing. Perhaps all is still well - on the inside as it seems on the outside. We are prayerful that all is well. We are prayerful that His will still remains our focus. No matter the outcome. No matter what. We are humbled each and every time we face health issues (and it seems like that's a lot!) because we are reminded that we are not in control. We are very much out of control. So, we must rely on the One who is.

4 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

We named our son Jacob because we wanted our son to be bold and have the tenacity to wrestle with God when he has doubts, fears or to stick it out to receive a blessing. As we look over his past 8 years, I'm struck at how fitting his name is.

I borrowed a wonderful idea...

One of my favorite blogs is Impress Your Kids! I highly recommend this blog for oh-so-worthy-of-our-time activities to do with our kids to instill bible verses in their hearts!

So, a few weeks back, while perusing this blog, I saw an adorable idea that I knew I wanted to copy!

In the boys' old rooms, in our old house, I stenciled a Bible verse on each of their walls. In Sharpie.

I'll wait while you catch your breath.

After about, oh, 7-8 coats of paint, one could barely make out the sleepy-time blessing! Lesson learned, folks! No sharpie on the walls for us anymore. Particularly rental home walls! Eh-hem!

When we bought our house 2 years ago, I was determined to create a vinyl version of the verses they would like on their walls. Easier on the walls and budget, you know!

So, when I saw Amanda's idea for a canvas art project with their favorite saying from the "Jesus Storybook Bible", I knew this would be the perfect way to accomplish what we wanted!

I started with my oldest's favorite verse because he has loved this verse for a long time and instantly jumped on this idea!

I started with a blank canvas (obviously)...




Then, I whipped out my handy-dandy Cricut Expression and went to work cutting letters out on clear contact paper.



Once the letters were cut out and placed on the canvas, J. went to town painting with the colors he had chosen at the craft store!




Now for the fun part! Once dry, you get to pull off each letter! Kind of fun and therapeutic (don't judge me).




And the finished result? Unique, personalized wall decor that speaks to my son's heart because it is his favorite verse! It is there to remind him, in good times and bad, not to be fearful and to rely on God to get him through!



Thanks, Amanda at impressyourkids.com for this awesome idea!! I'll post when my other son does his canvas project! Of course, that is once he decides on a Bible verse!

Breathing new life into our Family Nights...

With the very packed schedule that we, willingly, took on in the Spring, our family nights have been non-existent, sadly. Our boys beg for our family nights when we get off schedule which is heart-warming because it means they are meeting a need within them of building family unity and community. Yet, there are seasons in the year that our schedule shifts and family nights become a lower priority. I wish it weren't true but that is our reality. I would like to change this, though, and make it a consistent priority in our lives. After all, we've only got the boys for a little bit longer before they branch out into the world and start their own families.

As I work on a new program for our church, that emphasizes family nights, I'm revamping our family nights that will be starting in August. I'm pretty excited about the possibilities and the organizational ideas I am getting just by lurking around the internet!

I'll post some pictures and my plan once I've pulled it all together!